Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because I own a few acres of land, I'm always getting calls from timber companies. I wish others were this interested in my wood.

   All things being equal, my way is better.

   I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

   Hey broncos, puff puff pass time in the second half!..... Meanwhile at the Seahawks side...Sherman-"you know how I get when I get da munchies!

   Time to watch the Puppy Bowl

   I just did the Facebook movie thingy. Mine came back rated R

   I just tried to view on my Facebook (a look back) movie and had to agree that I was 18 or older before proceeding.

   that bowlof green chili burned a hole in my as

   Mr. I'm so not funny, you're as funny as a pile of rhino crap...hahahahaha stupid

   I asked a lazy fellatio artist how her day went, she said (it kinda sucked)

   What else do you bring to the mix besides GREED?

   Why would vodka do this to me? I’ve always been so loyal

   Just got a call from the post office, can they start delivering some of my cards now, they're running out of room in their sorting office

   Sorry I told you I could tell you don't give your husband BJs from the look he had in your family portrait.

   maybe talk to ya when ya get yer balls sewn back on...thats if she lets ya have em back from out of her hand bag

   I wish people were more social on social sights. . .

   Burger King is the only fast food I trust... because it costs $10.47 for a chicken sandwich and takes 40minutes to prepare...

   Shout out to everyone who's trying to get their life together. Working on yourself is the hardest part of life. So is wet t-shirt contests during Spring Break!!!

   "Mannekin Pis on your bombs": an unlikely statue is now an icon of Belgian defiance.

   As an Easter present, wrap grapes in color foil and send a basket of them to the IRS.