Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   have you ever quit alcohol to save money then realised that alcohol money cannot be saved because if you're not drinking it, it doesn't exist?

   It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.

   He got a new series, It's Caillou's Wrath Ø69!

   M&M Mars are stupid if they don't shoot a commercial featuring Mayweather and McGregor.

   The Internet reveals more devils than vast hell can hold.

   “Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

   If you have 12 followers on Instagram, you’re unpopular. If you have 12 followers in real life, you’re the messiah.

   To make you feel better if you're single this Valentine's Day just remember, Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with a club.

   Selling homing pigeons is a lucrative, and well return business.

   Happy singles awareness day everyone!

   Her: I love the picture of you in your bedroom. Me: It's IKEA. Her: You did a great job picking it all out! Me: No, I took that picture in IKEA.

   I saved 15 per cent on my insurance by switching to haiku.

   Go ahead and hide out there now Waldo. Jerk.

   I cant stand online scammers! And if you and all your friends would like to learn how to avoid them send me $19.95 and I'll tell you how!

   Not sure what the guy below is saying. I'm a property manager with a company that has hundreds of rentals. Only 4 are late.

   Does anyone fancy breaking the curfew and coming out for a few drinks on Boxing Day?

   I don’t know about you guys but I have been receiving at least 10 “potential spam” calls a day. I am not answering unless they bring me pre paid Visa cards.

   Sitting here wondering. Did anyone ever figure out where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

   Have a (cough cough) happy(cough cough) 420 (cough cough) everone

   Score steam: The steam on a lucky teenage boy's car windows