Funny Status Messages and Tweets

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   The only way I'll watch Jerry McGuire is if you show me the money

   Successfully "lands" a water bottle flip 3 out of 5 attempts. 0-998 in making his socks to the dirty clothes basket.

   I cant make it into work because I overslept because I didn't set my alarm because I knew I would like going to work.

   Just heard a milli vanilli on the radio and I'm not afraid to say that I liked their music! or whoevers music it was they were lip sinking that is to say.

   That moment, when your jerk boss says they are resigning. !!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Each and every time I hear someone say "Each and every..." I think, "How superfluous".

   I wanted to be sarcastic then I realized that I don't really care.

   If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

   *me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, I also had a brutal leg day, I woke up again with legs

   Had a few laughs with the boss today. I still hate is guts though.

   Two yrs ago I weighed 251lbs. Today I weigh 250 1/2 lbs. SO YES! Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.

   As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

   It's so cold now, when I turn on Netflix I call it "Netflix & get chilled"

   NO I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.

   Mathias Bachmeier is proof that the US police force isn't perfect.

   Great thing take time, be patient, they will happen.

   Start getting it on with your girl at 1:58 am. Brag to everyone tomorrow that you lasted for over an hour!

   Turtles are lucky because they come with their own nap forts.

   In 2018 we not correcting typos, figure out what we yryig to say.