Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel sorry for the robbers who were wrongfully accused by Ryan Lochte. #justiceforharambe

   “Lunch is on me!” -Guy who just threw up on himself

   Everytime we go out for pizza, calzone and garlic knots, my girl always has to ruin the evening by ordering a salad.

   Ryan Lochte will be teaching swimming lessons at the community pool starting next week.

   If I die by gunshot, at my funeral I want at least three midgets re-enacting the 'bullet scene' from The Matrix.

   Never bring a knife to a gun fight; unless it's attached to a gun; look...just also bring a gun. Matter of fact just don't go to the fight.

   Dear friend, Regrets I can't go to your wedding. Shagging a Naval Officer. It will last longer than your marriage. Godspeed.

   Your dog, who rolls in carrion, rubs her muzzle in my hair. Oddly, I do not mind this, but am reconsidering my choice of conditioner.

   damm girl are you sitting on the f5 key because that @$$ is refreshing

   Facebook suggested I join a Skeeball league. That's something where it'd be sad if you were already good. "Yep, I hang out in mall arcades a lot."

   My son always has a stuffed banana with him and I'm worried this is how hacky comics get their start. Should I introduce him to drugs now?

   Instead of using someone's name for hurricanes, we should use safe identifiers, like Hurricane Apteryx, Calculus, Oatmeal, or Centipede.

   Had a few laughs with the boss today. I still hate is guts though.

   Two yrs ago I weighed 251lbs. Today I weigh 250 1/2 lbs. SO YES! Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.

   As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

   It's so cold now, when I turn on Netflix I call it "Netflix & get chilled"

   NO I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.

   brought to you in full digital and also giving out coupons for your box.

   The only way I'll watch Jerry McGuire is if you show me the money

   Successfully "lands" a water bottle flip 3 out of 5 attempts. 0-998 in making his socks to the dirty clothes basket.