Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Keep your nose out of my business" as a whole new meaning towards people who can't keep their nose in their masks.

   The greater the threat the better the weapon

   Have to say this is the first time just about everyone's wearing a mask on Halloween.

   Hate how my automatic spell checker turns sentences like "I'd be happy to work for you" into "I'd be happy to twerk for you" which would be great if I was looking for a job as a Chippendale dancer.

   There's a secret apartment at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Oui, Oui, this is where I plan to meet a French prostitute the next time I visit Paris.

   there anything other than Pokemon happening out there in the world? .... Nah

   Why is Columbia the only school capable of producing Ghostbusters?

   Always have very good instincts. For example, I can always tell when someone is throwing hot coffee on me.

   I feel sorry for the robbers who were wrongfully accused by Ryan Lochte. #justiceforharambe

   “Lunch is on me!” -Guy who just threw up on himself

   Everytime we go out for pizza, calzone and garlic knots, my girl always has to ruin the evening by ordering a salad.

   Ryan Lochte will be teaching swimming lessons at the community pool starting next week.

   If I die by gunshot, at my funeral I want at least three midgets re-enacting the 'bullet scene' from The Matrix.

   Never bring a knife to a gun fight; unless it's attached to a gun; look...just also bring a gun. Matter of fact just don't go to the fight.

   Dear friend, Regrets I can't go to your wedding. Shagging a Naval Officer. It will last longer than your marriage. Godspeed.

   Your dog, who rolls in carrion, rubs her muzzle in my hair. Oddly, I do not mind this, but am reconsidering my choice of conditioner.

   damm girl are you sitting on the f5 key because that @$$ is refreshing

   Facebook suggested I join a Skeeball league. That's something where it'd be sad if you were already good. "Yep, I hang out in mall arcades a lot."

   My son always has a stuffed banana with him and I'm worried this is how hacky comics get their start. Should I introduce him to drugs now?

   Instead of using someone's name for hurricanes, we should use safe identifiers, like Hurricane Apteryx, Calculus, Oatmeal, or Centipede.