Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No unwilling people were harmed during the making of this status. Viewer discretion is advised

   Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Facebook.

   that a person who really loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everoyone else still believes in the smile on your face

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

   To think, it takes time. To think what to think takes even more time. To think what you just read takes less time.

   Virginity is not a dignity.It's just a Lack of opportunity.

   Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

   Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

   There is no such thing as "normal". There is only a lot of weird people doing the same weird things.

   behind every good man is a woman and behind her another man stairing at her butt

   The only contribution some people make to society is carbon dioxide.

   Life's a B****, but she throws one hell of a party

   learned not to leave the KY next to the Preparation H on the bedside table. When they say it shrinks the swelling...they AREN'T kidding!! Talk about a buzzkill!

   According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.

   I had a philosophy class where the only question on the final was he put his chair on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Prove to me this chair doesn't exist". I got an A because I had the best answer. I just wrote down, "What chair?". Worked like a charm

   If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look similar to this: 57 Asians; 21 Europeans; 14 from the Western Hemisphere; 8 Africans; 52 would be female;

   confused.His left part of his brain has nothing right in it and the right part of his brain has nothing left in it

   I order the club sandwich all the time. I'm not even a member. I dunno how I get away with it.

   Sometimes, I feel really lonely, especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

   ..if life is just one big game.. I need unlimited health & money cheat codes...