Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rapey McForehead gave Trump one vote for Speaker of the House. Trump called the clerk and said, "I just need you to find me 217 more votes."

   i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

   I Saw A White Boy In Walmart Looking Mad ....So I Left

   The fact “gorilla” doesn't rhyme with “tortilla” really infuriates me.

   in a relationship with Jack Daniels and his half brother Jack Hoff ♥ (its complicated)

   Baby monkey: mum, I wonder why we are so ugly. Monkey mum: thank God for our good looks, wait till you see who'se reading this.

   What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable ?? Gettin' her out of the wheelchair!!!

   No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

   A baseball fan is someone who likes a seriously girly and pathetic sport.

   remember when you. tongue punched that 300 pound woman in the fartbox?

   My loan got approved! Next week, I will be the proud owner of a full tank of gas.

   Breaking News. A woman finds something that she disagrees with. Does not take to social media in an ear splitting snit about it.

   Stop being retarded losers leave haha alone, I think hes funny!!

   Buck you fuddy, and your whole dod gam family! Why don't you go backoff in your own jackyard and see ho your fussy peels?

   "Quick! Hold this foreskin! No time to explain!" - Religion

   going to DEFCON 4

   If Sarah Palin married Hilary Clinton, who would be the butch one?

   painting her/his skin black and calling her/himself tanisha

   I regret getting the vaccine. I am now having too much fun and spending too much money.

   Ladies. Does listening to Taylor Swift songs actually help you deal with your tragic love lives?