Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met a girl last night who had Ed Zachary disease. Her snatch smelled Ed Zachary like her a$$...

   If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

   Does anybody know how can I send an "enemy" request on FB?

   Forest Whitaker's left eye has more self-control than I do.

   If prayers doesn't work, then it's all Obama's fault. Fact!

   Ned Flanders at the gym just killing it with diddly squats

   I don't recall what I can't recall because I can't recall it. Jeff Session

   Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

   What kind of children go to heaven? Dead ones.

   ..[̲̅B̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅w̲̅] [̲̅a̲̅] [̲̅r̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅o̲̅] [̲̅f̲̅] [̲̅t̲̅] [̲̅h̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅i̲̅] [̲̅l̲̅] [̲̅l̲̅] [̲̅u̲̅] [̲̅m̲̅] [̲̅i̲̅] [̲̅n̲̅] [̲̅a̲̅] [̲̅t̲̅] [̲̅i�

   I'm at the age where it is considered rude to pull out a bottle of Ibuprofen unless you have enough for everyone.

   "Where the hell are all these moths coming from?" -Thomas Edison

   It's a good thing the Giants are not playing the Jets this Sunday. Remember, the Giants lost last time they met.

   I don;t know what kind of President she would make, but if I am being totally honest; I would hit that.

   Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash

   it's not the size of the wave that counts, it's the motion of the ocean

   first a man, then I was a dragon-man, then I was just a dragon. TROOOGGGDDDOOORRR!!!

   Did you know one of the Vaccine side effects is improved Eyesight ? After 2 doses you'll find you can now see the light at the end of the Tunnel.

   I have trouble always mixing my metaphors. I don't know why. It's not rocket surgery.