Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd rather have a sister that's a hooker than have a brother who owns a ford

   Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is "What are you in for?"

   Arresting someone for saying the elections are rigged is one thing. Inciting a mob to overthrow an election is another.

   Throwing out a stale donut this morning.... Please respect my privacy at this very difficult time.

   My neighbor man came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

   Here in DC Metro, no one really cares about Groundhog Day. We’ve got rats bigger than that.

   Bucket List #83: I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.

   Nobody loses an election like Trump...nobody. Nobody knows more about it. He's the stable genius of losing over and over again. You wouldn't believe it.

   Bad News, Punxsutawney Phil just predicted 6 more seasons of "Desparate Housewives"."

   Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

   If corn oil is made from corn, and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?

   N!gg@h please. You no g@ngster, you too black, you a Thug..

   Twilight. Let's break it down. Twi= What Elmer Fudd is always doing. Twi'ing to hunt a wabbit. Light=Electromagnetic radiation of a wavelength that is visible to the eye. I think we can all agree that Elmer Fudd & Radiation should not be mixed.

   color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while…

   Me Chinese, Me Play Joke, Me put Roofie in your Coke

   It's a good thing Chris Rock didn't make a joke about Alec Baldwin's wife.

   I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?” I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   if crackheads smoked meth, they'd be methheads... duh.

   has his food, water, bateries, and flashlights ready for Y2010k! They say it's going to be 10x worse than Y2K!