Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   look, tom hanks with his whole family!!! #hanksalot

   When the check comes, men reach for their wallets, women reach for their calculator.

   If you piss your girl off, she'll tell you Goodnight at 2pm.

   cons also want 29 virgins, they're called cousins and step sisters

   Excuse me miss.... Can I test drive your vulva?

   I wake up and people are asking me if I'm dead? Just because I'm 27 does not mean I'm going anywhere. (STILL-MUCH-ALIVE)

   Everyone's always competing for the best weight loss plan, I got it right here: Turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat exercise when offered something to eat. #legit

   hey baby I wanna wreck you so bad you'll look like an exploded hotpocket

   After a night out home with girls, they brought me home with their car. As I entered my crib, I shouted"Thanks for the RIDE girls...and bringing me home.

   My dream is to wake up to 2 girls. One will say "good morning sweetheart" and the other will say "good morning dad"

   I always wondered what it was that he wouldn't do for love, and now we know: he wouldn't get vaccinated.

   Betty White deserves better than to inherit this mess of a planet when we die

   I am against anything that puts a man on his knees.

   Donald Trump drinks water the same way squirrels eat nutz.

   To many environmentally-friendly Facebook philosophers and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   I know words, I know the best words.

   They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store ….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

   I saw a pigeon open its mouth without making a sound and realized I’d just witnessed a failed coo attempt.

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those Diet and Exercise scams.