Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dream is to wake up to 2 girls. One will say "good morning sweetheart" and the other will say "good morning dad"

   Betty White deserves better than to inherit this mess of a planet when we die

   I always wondered what it was that he wouldn't do for love, and now we know: he wouldn't get vaccinated.

   I am against anything that puts a man on his knees.

   Donald Trump drinks water the same way squirrels eat nutz.

   To many environmentally-friendly Facebook philosophers and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   I know words, I know the best words.

   They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store ….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

   I saw a pigeon open its mouth without making a sound and realized I’d just witnessed a failed coo attempt.

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those Diet and Exercise scams.

   OH MY LORD!! I nearly sat on the toilet without my android...

   Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.

   If you think you're somehow superior to anyone else because of your good looks you just might be an idiot.

   Sig Sauer is a better gun than Smith & Wesson!

   Stop saying "woot woot". It's immature and annoying. Oh, that includes texting it as well.

   MAY the FOURTH be with you

   figured out how to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico......put a wedding band around it and it will stop putting out

   wonders why people think squirrels are cute. They are after all, a rodent like a rat except they have a fuzzy tale.

   I saw my shadow this morning. It looks like it will be six more weeks of dieting.