Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am fully prepared to replace Donald Trump with the guy who says dilly dilly in the beer commercials

   Diet status: I spilled powdered sugar on an important document and licked it off.

   They should change the name of the Bible to: "The Big Book of Contradictions, Fairy Tales and False Promises."

   I can hear those folks stuck on that snowed-in, 55 mile stretch of I-95 in northern Virginia: "But we love the seasons!"

   I have pink eye. I got it from Floyd.

   Do actual ladies exist anymore, or is it all just washed up man Ioathing bar sIut bimbos flipping the bird in their profile pics?

   When a double agent goes rogue. At long last looks like Trump has turned on his Russian handlers.

   Some girls will be asking questions like...."can you die for me?" As if the death of Jesus Christ was not enough.

   Today is the Navy's and Tiffany Trump's birthday. Guess which one Trump only acknowledged? The wrong answer is Tiffany.

   Imagine if Ted Bundy was treated with such leniency at his trial....

   We are sinners, but we can strive to be good!!!!

   confidence is the way to a woman's hear, or atleast into her pants

   dancing on a table. IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT, BABY!!!!

   not in a mood to update her status, So let it remain EMPTY.. :P :P

   as cool as a winter breeze over a cucumber garden.

   The two Garden of Eden rules: 1 Dont eat of the fruit of the tree of good and evil, 2 don't put that thing in her mouth!

   I'll be 127.0.0.1 for Christmas

   I saved a life today.... I asked a beggar, "How would you feel if I gave you 10,000 in cash?" He replied," I would die of happiness!" So I didn't give him any money I saved a life

   Did anyone figure out where they got the bright white sports car?

   This weekend I got so drunk, my shadow is now in a baby stroller drooling