Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Oriental ppl make the "Smiley faces" like this ☞ |-)

   What do you call those little balls of cotton in women's underwear?? Clitty litter...

   This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

   Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

   I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?” Nooooo not at all, we all dump in the yard

   A man goes to the white house to see trump the Marine guard tells him Trump is no longer the president and is not here. The man returns the next day asking to see trump

   Lick the $hit Stain our the crack of my Super Bowl you dip$hit

   JESUS OWES ME MONEY... for the drugs he failed to deliver.

   it wrong that I find Home Alone the greatest movie of all time?

   I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

   I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

   i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it

   I give women the respect they deserve.............Oh, and by the way, I call my d*ck "respect" :-)

   knows the last digit of PI.

   I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

   No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch.

   I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym. She never showed up. I knew right then we weren’t going to workout.

   I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

   Does anyone know of any rappers who are proud of their hometowns?

   I've just been diagnosed with a tumor. I was horrified at first, but it's starting to grow on me.