Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I'm with you, I feel like I'm in lord of the rings cuz you're my precious

   Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

   Groupie: Hi. My name's Candi. I'm not a groupie. I'm a friend of the band. Band guy: Wanna $crew? "Friend Of The Band": Okay.

   No I'm not playing with it. - What I have to tell my wife every time I'm in the shower.

   gathering up snow flakes to build a snowman.

   going to the drive-in in my RV and parking right in front of you!

   AKK AKK AKK! Spinachk is me favorik fruitk. (I love Popeye.)

   Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available...

   Our school is attempting to be active in eliminating bullying. I began a conversation with students about the saying, "Sticks and stones make break my bones..." One of my students finished the saying with "but chains and whips excite me!" Wow. Thank you,

   Be careful if you see a silver lining in a cloud. It could be another aircraft.

   COUGH! COUGH! Autoerotic asphyxiation is really hard to say five times fast with a belt around your neck.

   This new Facebook crap is making my head spin...and I'm feeling a little nauseous. If I start levitating off my bed in my sleep, and peeing on the floor in the middle of parties...I'm suing......................

   What's uppp? Yup, I just tripled p'd my up. Next I might just double stack my o's, nO?

   i love watching commercials for medicatications. the symptoms are usually worse the the side effects of the meds. for example I have an itchy leg. "try dexalog: symptoms might involve: growing an extra head out of your, neck, skin to decintergrate, loss o

   Virgin: Deeper Hooker: Harder Wife: mmm grey would be a nice color for the ceiling

   getting outta the shower on a cold day only to realize there isnt a towel in sight... priceless... guess i'll just use my dirty t-shirt..

   If you and I woke up in jail together, using only FOUR words, what would you say to me? Copy & paste this in your status and see what your friends would say.

   if pickles weren't so sour, I would watch tv and jump on the car. I mean the goblins...never mind..no more LSD for me

   so sick she feels like Katy Perry..so hot and then cold..

   ¡ɐɥɐɥ ˙snʇɐʇs uʍop ǝpısdn ʎɯ ʎq pǝʇɐuıɔsɐɟ ǝɹɐ noʎ ʇɐɥʇ ʇɔɐɟ ǝɥʇ uɐ