Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   COUGH! COUGH! Autoerotic asphyxiation is really hard to say five times fast with a belt around your neck.

   This new Facebook crap is making my head spin...and I'm feeling a little nauseous. If I start levitating off my bed in my sleep, and peeing on the floor in the middle of parties...I'm suing......................

   What's uppp? Yup, I just tripled p'd my up. Next I might just double stack my o's, nO?

   i love watching commercials for medicatications. the symptoms are usually worse the the side effects of the meds. for example I have an itchy leg. "try dexalog: symptoms might involve: growing an extra head out of your, neck, skin to decintergrate, loss o

   Virgin: Deeper Hooker: Harder Wife: mmm grey would be a nice color for the ceiling

   getting outta the shower on a cold day only to realize there isnt a towel in sight... priceless... guess i'll just use my dirty t-shirt..

   If you and I woke up in jail together, using only FOUR words, what would you say to me? Copy & paste this in your status and see what your friends would say.

   if pickles weren't so sour, I would watch tv and jump on the car. I mean the goblins...never mind..no more LSD for me

   so sick she feels like Katy Perry..so hot and then cold..

   �ɐɥɐɥ ˙snʇɐʇs uʍop ǝpısdn ʎɯ ʎq pǝʇɐuıɔsɐɟ ǝɹɐ noʎ ʇɐɥʇ ʇɔɐɟ ǝɥʇ uɐ

   I wonder if Oriental ppl make the "Smiley faces" like this ☞ |-)

   What do you call those little balls of cotton in women's underwear?? Clitty litter...

   I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?” Nooooo not at all, we all dump in the yard

   This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

   Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

   A man goes to the white house to see trump the Marine guard tells him Trump is no longer the president and is not here. The man returns the next day asking to see trump

   Lick the $hit Stain our the crack of my Super Bowl you dip$hit

   JESUS OWES ME MONEY... for the drugs he failed to deliver.

   it wrong that I find Home Alone the greatest movie of all time?

   I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.