Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I would cry as a kid, my sisters would sing..nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll eat some worms....maybe I should have tried the worms?...nah rather have no friends!

   was so disappointed when he found out that it was called "we day" not "weed day"...

   Barbara Billingsley thank you for introducing us to and letting us see the beaver.

   Hey are you stalking me? I'm so tired of hot women following me around all day, it gets annoying.

   With all the 300+ horsepower cars they have these days with the expensive 16, 17 and 18 inch tires a 50 dollar burnout isn't very long. But it's not like you have to pay for it right now. Light um up!

   Watching the movie 'Alive' is making me cold, thirsty and cannibalistic

   if "Fe" on the periodic table of the elements is iron, does that make females iron males?

   I know some ladies here who need to come out courageous nough and upload their non-edited pictures,,,feel safe...u'r cute..anyway

   X It must suck being stupid and knowing 100% of all parents wish you were smart.

   I'm thinking this Super Bowl will create the biggest buzz of all and more shotguns than ever.

   47% of the country misses Obama's speech due to winter storm. Somehow I don't think he cares.

   Just heard two fat b*** tches fighting over a seat on the bus. one 60yrs, standing the other with kids sitting down. It wasnt annoying until I realized they was both fighting and screamin at each other for the section with the handicap seat! Thx Obamacare

   I find it ironic that Tom Brady looked so deflated after the loss to the Broncos.

   Sweet Caroline..bah..bah...bah Good times never seemed so good..so good , so good..

   I want a girl who's a Kanye West in the streets and a Kanye West in the sheets. - Kanye West

   I'm so sick of this nonsense, where my blankets hang off of my bed like a messy sandwich.

   I'm so glad I just downloaded my iDon'tcare7, at least now I can't be disappointed like all the apple users.

   Reality is for people who don't eat bacon!!'

   Ever have a dream you just want to write down so you can turn it into a movie? An island with dinosaurs, and a T-Rex. A T-REX!!!!!

   An oversized kitten blessed me with a gigantic ballsack