Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some things are better left unfed or ignored.

   Life is like a high tide....But no matter how low or high the tide is, we gotta keep on surfing. The tide is high and I'm moving on!!

   just broke his taint. With no insurance. Worse Day Ever!!!!

   I miss Doo Dads and the little peanuts

   Had to go to a photo chop shop to get a good price on a new nose. I look amazing now!

   Adele wrote the last chapter in my life. I believe I will have Katy Perry write the next !

   If you have fake eyelashes,weave,make up, and drawn on eyebrows... you not a bad chick you a created player

   Didn we all love Kinder... where the hardest decision was picking a crayon

   I just went to go visit Miss Cleo in prison so she could give me the winning mega million numbers. For five easy payments of $ 10 million dollars you too can have the numbers.

   What's the difference between Tango and Rohypnol? You know when you've been Tangoed.

   I am so happy with my life I want to go out and punch someone in the face to celebrate.

   Did you hear about the new show about Nigerian Airlines? Knot's Landing…

   Axe is the auto-tune for body odor.

   Where is the sun today? Maybe I should put my batman suit on?

   These press on towels are rubbish,,, its taken three to dry one arm,,!

   pretty excited about the recent discovery of the Higgs Boston or God particle... I could be wrong, but if my calculations are correct, this means 'Mass Effect' IRL!!!?

   They should put a busy/engaged signal on the chat thingy so people can know I am already chatting to 10 other people.

   Like humans, as bitter,sour or unpleasant sometimes you just have to give them a chance... Giving Celery another try!!!

   Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

   When the guy in your office says he's going bowling on his own, you've got to ask yourself, 'have I got enough friends