Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am so happy with my life I want to go out and punch someone in the face to celebrate.

   Did you hear about the new show about Nigerian Airlines? Knot's Landing…

   Axe is the auto-tune for body odor.

   Where is the sun today? Maybe I should put my batman suit on?

   These press on towels are rubbish,,, its taken three to dry one arm,,!

   pretty excited about the recent discovery of the Higgs Boston or God particle... I could be wrong, but if my calculations are correct, this means 'Mass Effect' IRL!!!?

   They should put a busy/engaged signal on the chat thingy so people can know I am already chatting to 10 other people.

   Like humans, as bitter,sour or unpleasant sometimes you just have to give them a chance... Giving Celery another try!!!

   Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

   When the guy in your office says he's going bowling on his own, you've got to ask yourself, 'have I got enough friends

   Before call waiting booty calls must have been very frustrating.

   Starting a 'like' petition.....who would prefer Cheez Its would use the 'immature' cheese

   I got my Do-si-dos. Sad thing is I'm about to eat the whole box, I'll be mad at myself later...........

   Dad: son make your bed. Son: thats like tying my shoes after I take them off.

   asked by an employee for a raise...so I gave him a baby-booster seat

   I wanted to make a girl experience multiple climaxes, so I made her watch the last half hour of 'Star Wars Episode III.'

   the rumours you hear about me are all lies....i made them up so you wouldnt find out the true juicey stuff ive been upto :-P

   will be back after these short messages from our sponsor.

   If I seem disinterested it's only because I'm a terrible actor.

   Stop 2nd guessing yourself! No seriously you should be 7th guessing yourself instead.