Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Suicide hotline, please hold....

   NOTE TO SELF: Don't forget to NOT to discuss your personal life on FB. And pick up rash cream..........

   I went to my first la party the other night and my ex-boyfriend was there with his new girlfriend.. he is so dumb though he came up to me and said "yuck, I thought I smelled you here".....

   Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

   So what’s the protocol if my annual prostate exam falls on February 14? Do I take flowers with me for the doctor or what?

   Paula Deen finally got a job,at Whiteys Honkeytonk,only serves white bread and crackers

   If you can't be a good example, at least be an excellent warning.

   The receipts are out. How can Gaetz be this dumb?

   I could never cheat in a relationship, cuz that would require two women to find ne attractive.

   We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

   As a certain first lady would say, merry kressmas everyone.

   Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films. "Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

   Trump being re-elected is as likely as Ken and Barbie doing the wild thing.

   I've learnt one very interesting thing about money......It doesn't buy "CLASS" no matter how many millions of it you have got

   I’m at the age where, whenever I think of my age, I think, “I should go lie down.”

   ‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’ ~dogs in therapy

   If they could only do as much for the veterans that they do the gays I would be impressed, but only then.

   Question, Can Happiness buy money?

   If performance-enhancing drugs aren't allowed in sports then why is makeup allowed in beauty contests?

   I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into Brandon voters