Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was so happy when I lost my virginity cause I was no longer eligible to be in any of those sacrifices I signed up for as a dare.

   Why has no one invented a drink called "tequila mocking bird"? Oh wait! I just did ;-) Your welcome!

   I don't know why Kim Kardashian never speak much about her brother Kim Jong-un the North Korean president, now since they launched satellite into space, I bet they will soon be beaming "The Kardashians" from the space.

   When asked, "What is the best way to end an arguement with your wife" , I usually say a Hit & Run! She'll never see it coming!

   word of the day is Satin. Girl ain't doin' nuttin but satin on the couch all day watchin her stories...

   What happens on holiday,stays on holiday. Except for STDs, they will always come back with you

   In the off season Ray Lewis works out at the North Pole with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen.

   Don't you hate it when Ur girl or wife ask you life questions while you watching a important game # biiioootch ask Steve Harvey

   I'd say good morning but its clearly afternoon. Rough night.

   As sholes can only make women wet through the tear ducts.

   If you are my friend on Facebook and you need money, don't ask because I have no money. If you are family, or a friend, may I borrow some money? If you are a female and cute, don't worry, I have lots of money $$$

   The only thing that makes marriage different from being on death row is that married people wish they were dead.

   Looks aren't everything but they sure are a lot.

   What's that thing on your face? Why are you showing me your teeth- OH! You're smiling!

   I'm "Relieved my plans got canceled last minute so I can go to bed early.",,,,,,,, years old.

   "I love speaking for others" --- ventriloquists

   Don't you wish you could just start over sometimes? You know, like buy another large pizza after you just ate one and start over.

   that if I'm n line I don't climb up the person's ass in front of me. Relax. It's a line you impatient pricks.

   Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

   Your words are intoxicating. Pour them into my mind.