Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shoved a hot moist piece of meat in my mouth. first time I really felt dirty from having a bbq

   it looks like my 401k took in the rear by some greeks

   Here kitty kitty, Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.

   I wear the pants in my house ....... straight after I've washed and ironed them. Yep I'M THE BOSS when shes not home and she bloody well knows it too !!!

   joined the group "George Burns to host SNL" Let's see how good you THINK you are Facebook....

   Create me a phone that, when I get a call from someone I do not like, it goes straight to voice mail. When they do, I will then accept it as a “Smart Phone.”

   To the girl who cut us off on the freeway. "James Joyce" told me to tell yoU - See You In Tea!

   She's somewhat of a mixture between a chickenhead and a swallow

   has status electricity...if you get too close there maybe status friction and you'll get status shock.

   I'm just a man; but wrap me in aluminum foil and I'll be your knight in shining armor!

   wonders why the DJ is playing Lil Wayne but you are dancing like you hear Pink Floyd...

   Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

   Difference between House and Home : HOUSE is where you fart in headphones mode HOME is where you fart in Dolby surround mode

   Winning trade wars is so easy. Just ask George Bu.sh.

   We don't need a trade deal to last forever. If he doesn't like it down the road, he just divorce it for a younger trade deal, maybe from a different country...

   In the past week, the media has inundated us with a partisan train wreck and ended it with a helicopter crash.

   Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

   Now you got me asking myself? Why does Disco Music give me Night Fever and the Heebie Bee Gees Bees?

   I know I am a guy but stopping offended when I try to breast-feed in public. Besides, it helps my dog and I bond better

   What if the first man to try and drink Milk from a cow had mistakenly picked a bull ?