Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fifty bucks says I make way more unnecessary noises than you.

   happier than a Puppy wagging two tails !

   It's funny how once you dislike the personality/actions of one of your co-workers, EVERYTHING They do gets on your nerves/offends you . “Look at this dummy, eating those crackers & drinking coffee like she owns the place! Uggghh"

   I've got a huge tip for people with lots of rubbish.

   With Daylight Savings in effect but on a leap year, isn't this only Sunday? #ThingsMyCoffeeMakerTalksToMeAbout

   May you have the luck of the Irish and starve today because you can't find potatoes!

   scrubbing the barnacles off a bum so my daughter has a date to the prom....being fat aint easy

   I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for birthdays....It's such a joy to watch their faces light up!

   Five men in Boston found in a basement bound with duck tape covered in condiments! Dinners ready!

   My wife wanted to go window shopping so I took her to Jones Pane and Glass!

   creeping your photos and I might add I'M IMPRESSED!!!

   People who bring a bottle of wine to your house really want you to see that they are people who brought a bottle of wine to your house.

   Someone who has a hard time keeping up with technology has added you on Google+

   Dear Curiosity, Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

   Jail, I mean school. Sorry, I can't tell the difference

   there an instrument called the didgeridon't? Because there should be.

   One more foursquare check-in at McDonald's and Mayor McCheese gets to steppin'.

   I suppose I'm a late bloomer. But the way it's going, I'm going to hook up in the nursing home. Somebody water me, PLEASE!

   Sometimes we realize things to late. When you have a baby you realize you shouldn't have raw dogged it. When you lose that special someone you realize what went wrong. After last night I realized I'm never drinking again

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep