Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Valentine's Day, Peeps! Love is hard to find, so give some, get some, buy, rent or lease some, loan some out if you have extra. Spread a smile at work, wink at a stranger at lunch, or give a happy wave to someone in traffic. But above all else, i

   Every song has a story to tell and to every person that story is different. Even when its the same song except for Sir Mix a Lots Babys Got Back...thay has only one story lol

   .... "There once was a girl from Nantucket" ..... DAMMIT! .... Apparently I'm a terrible Poet ... cuz I can't think of anything that rhymes with Nantucket.

   When someone I don't like texts me, I send their text back. I don't want that sh*t.

   The amount of money you'd need to donate to ALS for me to do the Ice bucket challenge this time of year would cure ALS.

   The beer can was invented 80 years ago this week by a Virginia man. God Bless 'Merica!!

   I know one day my life may be changed by the man who spends his nights spray painting "Jesus Saves Repent" signs on plywood and places them on the Interstate.

   If ever caught in the middle if a kung fu fight, I'm just going to lay down and pretend I was hit by nunchucks.

   Take the name of your first pet and add the street that your first pet got ran over on to get your step father's Tinder name.

   I just noticed that I slouch over just right I can make my bell fat look like 3-pack abs. Oh Yeah, half way to "Sexy-town".

   If you don't like what I am playing.. I can play mmm Bop !

   Has anyone ever encountered a semi-stranger barefaced freeloader in their life?

   Facebook bought Whats up for 19 billion dollars ... Mr.Zuckerberg, you could have downloaded it for freee !!

   Adult gummy Melatonin: because while fat, drunk and stupid might be the American norm, fat drunk stupid and sleep deprived is unacceptable.

   youre a doll you are flawless, I just cant wait for love to destroy us

   Blues Clues taught me that getting mail was fun and exciting, they sit on a thinking chair of lies

   If king Joffery of GoT and Justin Bieber were to be in a sinking ship, what colour of wet paint would you love to watch dry?

   Jury duty? Want to get out of it? Remember those four little words..."The spud did it."

   147.Wife: Do you want some dinner? Me: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

   "I hate fake people," Danny announced as he pushed the store mannequin over and kicked it in the torso.