Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Take the name of your first pet and add the street that your first pet got ran over on to get your step father's Tinder name.

   I just noticed that I slouch over just right I can make my bell fat look like 3-pack abs. Oh Yeah, half way to "Sexy-town".

   If you don't like what I am playing.. I can play mmm Bop !

   Has anyone ever encountered a semi-stranger barefaced freeloader in their life?

   Facebook bought Whats up for 19 billion dollars ... Mr.Zuckerberg, you could have downloaded it for freee !!

   Adult gummy Melatonin: because while fat, drunk and stupid might be the American norm, fat drunk stupid and sleep deprived is unacceptable.

   youre a doll you are flawless, I just cant wait for love to destroy us

   Blues Clues taught me that getting mail was fun and exciting, they sit on a thinking chair of lies

   If king Joffery of GoT and Justin Bieber were to be in a sinking ship, what colour of wet paint would you love to watch dry?

   Jury duty? Want to get out of it? Remember those four little words..."The spud did it."

   147.Wife: Do you want some dinner? Me: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

   "I hate fake people," Danny announced as he pushed the store mannequin over and kicked it in the torso.

   I'm pretty sure my counting sheep are out parting with Mary's little lamb and Baa Baa Black Sheep.............

   "We do pretty well around here considering that people are basically good." -Satan talking to Lucifer

   As an adult, true confidence can only be measured by taking a dump, and doing ONE no look wipe and walking away with a smile on your face. Period.

   it, "kindergarden" or "kindergarten"?... I'm just wondering what grade level I need to start all over from.

   It was so cold today, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pocket.

   Thank you Facebook for the friends day video I just deleted 99% of my Facebook "so called friends"

   Who cares if Peyton Manning stuck his privates in a girls face in 1996? He was 19. Even the Pope probably did sheet like that when he was 19.

   I'm sorry Real World.. I don't have time to get to know 7 more people.. My Fb is already full!