Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fantasy Football starts now. I'm sorry honey. I will talk to you after football season. Love you Jamie wallis

   So this book said to be a lesbian I need to lick carpet. For the last hour I have been laying on my floor licking my carpet and I feel no different.

   I had my blind friend over today and I forgot to take out the plunger!! Sorry m8

   Dear FB friends, I need your help... I am having a hard time finding the right words to tell my wife (tag wife) that I am cheating on her and have a girlfriend... Any Suggestions???

   Screw God, I'm worshipping the golden statue of Trump from now on.

   What's the worst part about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in the wheel chair.

   Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

   In an alternate universe, horses wearing fancy hats watch humans run the Kentucky Derby

   Stupid kid fell in the well again. -if Lassie had been a cat

   having a great day! Life is terrifi........i just crapped myself

   has started calling the office secretaries his minions muahaha!

   This is probably a stupid question, but when my cat shows me her butthole, am I supposed to touch or lick it?

   Border Security Idea: Just Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

   And I care about Charles Manson going to the hospital because?

   White Kid: For Christmas I got 500 dollars, a PS3, and an X Box 360/

   Pancreatic cancer...There isn't an App for that.

   Try as you might, ladies, giraffes will always have the deep throat category on lock.

   Best worm parent advice... Try to sleep in kids.

   There is a new mohel in town. He doesn't charge for his services; he only takes tips.

   Saw a X today I really liked back in the day. Dodged a Big Ole Bullet there.