Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

   Happy Valentines Day to the happy couple, Donald Trump & Stormy Daniels.

   Obama, our marijuana laws are causing a dilema. Half of us can not find our car keys, could use a little help, sincerely, California

   I wonder if Rapper M-Bone is teaching Jesus how to Dougie!!

   wonders...if you were a hotdog, and you were starvin', would you eat yourself?

   being 39 and after 20 years of living with my mother never understood what she meant by..."boys piss in the toliet" when we thought we were......Until NOW that I have a boy to clean after........GEZZZZZZZZ........

   Tase me out to the Ball Game...Tase me out on the field... `cuz its 1 - 2 - 3 seconds `til I am down on the freeeakin` field..

   Police are such idiots. I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm pissed!!

   All the girls become ordinary, no matter how much important they are to you before, once you spend certain amount of time with them after commitment.

   I just witness a lady shake the sh*t out of her kid in Wal-Mart...she must be a Shakeweight owner!

   That's what you get from putting a fat girl's ass in your face. That's how you get pink eye

   I. really hate when Grandma gets me underwear for Christmas-they are always. " I Won't Get Caught Dead In Whitey-Tightys!"

   Fantasy Football starts now. I'm sorry honey. I will talk to you after football season. Love you Jamie wallis

   So this book said to be a lesbian I need to lick carpet. For the last hour I have been laying on my floor licking my carpet and I feel no different.

   I had my blind friend over today and I forgot to take out the plunger!! Sorry m8

   Dear FB friends, I need your help... I am having a hard time finding the right words to tell my wife (tag wife) that I am cheating on her and have a girlfriend... Any Suggestions???

   Screw God, I'm worshipping the golden statue of Trump from now on.

   What's the worst part about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in the wheel chair.

   Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

   In an alternate universe, horses wearing fancy hats watch humans run the Kentucky Derby