Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thought it was real sweet that my daughter gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

   Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED. Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

   When I get coffee at Starbucks and the guy asks me my name I read his name tag and say his name and then he's like "Nooo wayy! That's my name too!" and I go like "Nooo wayy!" and I always think I'll get something free but I don't.

   May you have a better Good Friday than Jesus had...

   I guess MACs don't last longer then PCs........too soon IGuess

   A good rule for facebook: Friends don't let friends friend non friends.

   Getting older is tough and I’ve tried to age gracefully but nothing prepared me for seeing Ice-T in a commercial for laundry detergent.

   The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when what they really want is Revenge.

   Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

   Happy Valentines Day to the happy couple, Donald Trump & Stormy Daniels.

   Obama, our marijuana laws are causing a dilema. Half of us can not find our car keys, could use a little help, sincerely, California

   I wonder if Rapper M-Bone is teaching Jesus how to Dougie!!

   wonders...if you were a hotdog, and you were starvin', would you eat yourself?

   being 39 and after 20 years of living with my mother never understood what she meant by..."boys piss in the toliet" when we thought we were......Until NOW that I have a boy to clean after........GEZZZZZZZZ........

   Tase me out to the Ball Game...Tase me out on the field... `cuz its 1 - 2 - 3 seconds `til I am down on the freeeakin` field..

   Police are such idiots. I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm pissed!!

   All the girls become ordinary, no matter how much important they are to you before, once you spend certain amount of time with them after commitment.

   I just witness a lady shake the sh*t out of her kid in Wal-Mart...she must be a Shakeweight owner!

   That's what you get from putting a fat girl's ass in your face. That's how you get pink eye

   I. really hate when Grandma gets me underwear for Christmas-they are always. " I Won't Get Caught Dead In Whitey-Tightys!"