Snotty Funny Status Messages

   You can either be right, or you can be the husband.

   Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many

   Welcome to the first meeting of OCD Anonymous. We'll get started as soon as you STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF, SUSAN!!

   Listen,, If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

   Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?.... Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

   It's cute how Pepperidge Farms puts those paper cups between my cookies. lol,,, It doesn't even slow me down.

   I apologize a lot for someone who is always right.

   Do people who have wind chimes know that not having wind chimes is also an option

   All I'm say'n, Is in the past thirty years, the baby to dingo ratio has gotten severely out of hand.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   When the moon hits your eye Like a bigger pizza pie,,,, That's a....Supermoon.

   I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.

   Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week

   WIFE: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Shrek].... ME: No I didn't

   I realized how pathetic I am,,, When the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignored my knock knock joke...

   UNITED: We love to fight,,, and it shows. ..

   I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.

   My phone is on its 4th charge for the day. So don't talk to me about commitment.

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   FYI: Don't eat the gray cotton candy that comes out of that slot in the dryer