Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   80 million all in one lump sum??? Where do I sign up?

   Keeping anything under 100,000 deaths is always a good job.

   I look at my phone every time I hear the text or ringtone sounds in commercials.

   One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too

   Justin Bieber's hair being auctioned off for charity. Should I buy it for my next toupee?

   Wanna shake my weight ladies & save yourself some money ?

   They asked the congressman was that a picture of your nuts...he said I'm not sure but it did come from my computer".....so my question is do you have random nuts in your harddrive...smh

   Morning Glory Evening Grace

   Prince Harry is dating his cousin? Aren't we all "distant cousins" in some sense?

   First Zuckerberg steals the concept of Facebook now he tried to steal Steve Jobs way of presenting....

   Today is Moon Day and Ugly Truck Day. So if you own an Ugly Truck, please feel free to Moon people today, but for safety's sake please only do it at red lights.

   Impossible is Nothing , Average is Nowhere and Mediocrity is for Others !!

   my neighbor bought a pumpkin and carved it. I asked him, " why didnt you make it look like it had teeth"? he said, " I was trying to make it look like my wife".

   Does Angry Birds get it's name because the birds are angry at you when you can't beat a level or because it makes you angry when you can't?

   Happy National Caramel Day everyone!

   my mixes are tighter than your skinny jeans kid.

   amazed how unexpectedly and rapidly things can change. I am Gizmo and water was just splashed on me.

   The man from U.N.C.L.E.

   trading in his Chevy for a Cadillac-ack-ack-ack-ack

   use to be a dime or quarter..but now here's $50..buy a prepaid cell phone and call someone who cares