Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the lucky is the only cigarette in the pacK that I get drunk and light backwards

   Alright, it's gonna be a mild fall! Aaaaaaand it's snowing.

   You cannot suck your own lollipop............. man if I could I would never leave home!

   *emerges from behind your shower curtain..... Hey what's this restraining order about silly?

   It's the perfect time to replace ALS with Ebola.

   I'm gonna complain to Domino's! They said I'd have my pizza before I could say 'Piping hot!'. I've said it 867 times since then and it's STILL not here!

   Lexus commercial: husband surprises wife with a new car in the driveway. I surprise both of them by shooting it with a paintball gun

   I here by proclaim that I identify as a person of color.

   I PASSED THE BAR!!!! So proud of myself, I really wanted to get a shot of tequila but I just passed it and kept on walking.

   Kids today have no idea how to manage their time. Back in my day, I was able to do 18 holes and still found to to play golf.

   a man was making love to a village girl without protection.... she-you are not using protection,i hope you don't have AIDS? him-no,i don't have AIDS she-thank God,i don't want to get that thing again! the guy fainted

   80 million all in one lump sum??? Where do I sign up?

   Keeping anything under 100,000 deaths is always a good job.

   If only he listened to his wife's "be best" campaign, then he wouldn't be in that predicament he's in now.

   I look at my phone every time I hear the text or ringtone sounds in commercials.

   One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too

   Justin Bieber's hair being auctioned off for charity. Should I buy it for my next toupee?

   Wanna shake my weight ladies & save yourself some money ?

   They asked the congressman was that a picture of your nuts...he said I'm not sure but it did come from my computer".....so my question is do you have random nuts in your harddrive...smh

   Morning Glory Evening Grace