Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How so you fit 4 gay guys on a stool? flip it over

   If Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, I'm going to upload my debt...

   It's about time we, as a sophisticated society, start getting birds to wear diapers.

   My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

   A friend rubbed tomato ketchup on his eyes.In Heinz sight , it wasn't a good idea.

   If we were in a locked room together,and there was two warewovles ,and I had a gun,with two silver bullets...I will soot you twice

   i was going to dress up as Cailey Anthony for halloween but my mom said shed kill me

   2022 will go in the history books as the year they legalized insanity!

   thankful for everyone celebrating Thanksgiving...to only true American Christian holiday. God bless you all!

   Witnesses says that Gaetz acted like a party frat boy. I wonder which frat hose he belonged to? Imma tappa minor?

   Whenever someone says, “A word to the wise,” I assume it to be my dismissal from the conversation.

   The cover up is clear. GOP congress reducing the funding for embassy security must be covered up at all cost!

   Just got kicked out of Subway for asking if I could get a footlong Spicy Italian in my Kids Meal....

   - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

   Adulthood is just another word for 'liver damage'.

   Judges 19:22-30New International Version

   Apparently, I've been playing "Hide & Seek" at Ikea this whole time. That'd be me looking for the exit and the exit hiding from me.

   Anyone in Detroit with muscles think you can help me unscrew this part in my car? I've been at it for like 20 minutes and it won't budge

   My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

   Macklemore swept the Rap categories, now I get why its called The Heist.