Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking: Pope resigns to become head Scoutmaster for the Boy Scouts of America.

   Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

   A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

   Karma is my religon and Earl Hickey is my god =D

   If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

   Okay you refugees, idiots aren't terrorist. By definition, they are running away from the idiots. Why are you too stupid to realize this???????

   My wife's doctor called and I had to take a message. He said her Pabst Beer came back negative. What the hell is he talking about?

   Trump will predict your weight. But if he gets it wrong you win a stuffed animal. No, one of the small ones the big ones are for show.

   Q. Whats the mating call of a Blackbird? A. Stick it in me Leroy!

   Texas to plan another White Nationalist rally on 9/11. If this doesn't tell you the people in Texas are f-ed up, then there is no hope for you and should stop being an American all together.

   Women are like roads. The more curves they have the more dangerous they are.

   I tried coke for the first time last night and never again! From now on, I’ll just stick to Pepsi.

   Does anyone know when Boy Scout cookies go on sale? Thanks.

   Warning. Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night on Saturday does not prevent Sunday. There is no cure.

   im gassy while watching the news... imma go occupy the toilet

   with out me awesome would just be awes

   I like my beaver how I like my chicken...free range.

   My motto : Dumb is a five letter word.

   Just figured a way people with no healthcare insurance but do have car insurance can enjoy the same benefits .... Whenever your sick....just crash your bike ...car or truck into a tree

   Money is not the root of all evil. It is the root of all KINDS of evil.