Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Meery Kressmiss everyone, from the bottom of my gold-digging, porn star heart.

   making sentences with the words liver and cheese... liver alone cheese mine!

   Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch. Just to show the birds what I'm capable of.

   This girl I know asked her plastic surgeon to put jewels in with her fake boobs so she can have a treasure chest.

   Better to be Bipolar than Bi.

   Who said, you have to eat healthy to get in shape?

   it is such a big shame how some Americans derive joy out of others pain, RIP Paul walker and may your family have the strength to move on

   Arresting someone for saying the elections are rigged just further proves that the elections are rigged.

   It's a good day in heaven, Betty White gets to have some Meatloaf.

   Whenever I send a picture of my wiener to a woman, I hold it next to baby corn so she thinks I can afford full-size corn....)

   I like to go to parks and watch the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks

   does PayPal call anyone else 40 times a day from a 208-515-7481? Them people need to get a life! LOL, I'm not paying you!!

   Halloween ,the only time peados get home dilevary!!

   Last year for Halloween me and my mate were meant to go trick or treating as a pair of breasts. He didn't turn up and I went by myself. I looked like a right tit.

   Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama???? If it were invented anywhere else they would have named it the teethbrush....

   I saw a status that said, "Facebook changes colours if you press 'Ctrl W'. Damn that was funny.. and it really Worked, TRY IT !!!

   Harrassment: A mint flavored pill that a female injects into her rectum to freshen it.

   just pressed her refresh button, but still feels dirty.

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a little sister to play with." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Sure, send me your mom and wait about 9 months."

   Aaron Hernandez, goes into jail a tight end, comes out a wide receiver