Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.

   badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom!

   learned that the best gift of chirstmas is seeing the disappointment in a childs face when you tell them santa isn't real.

   NBC is reporting the pope is stepping down because someone stole the van and candy he used to recruit new altar boys and the Vatican refused to buy him a new one.

   I was just traveling thru an overpass where the city's homeless seem to gather, and it made me proud. Even they are doing their part to battle this Covid 19 as I saw a couple of them administering vaccinations to each other.

   has a confirmed case of Swine Flu....it was spotted when his tail began to curl.!!

   A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.

   If genitals don't define gender, how does removing them affirm it?

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me. So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it "the Sheepdog", as it rounds em up and points them in the right direction

   In the mcdonalds parking lot banging your girlfriend.

   Trump dies one good deed and he wants an Oscar for his performance. Whatever happened to staying humble?

   Where were these 22 year old female teachers back when I was in high school?

   thinks webbed feet are a huge turn-on.

   [my first day as a 911 dispatcher] *eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

   santa just touched my no no spot. :(

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy... Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   As we get older, The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.

   If I was a spider, I'd build my webs on a starving African child's face. Hello, all-u-can-eat fly buffet!

   Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up