Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's relationships, you can touch each other but not each others phones

   Sometimes I wonder if things are getting worse or just more obvious.

   There is a special place in Hell for those that just go down the list dis-lyking evrything

   Superman wears glasses, everyone thinks he’s a different person. I wear glasses people say: “Hey, why are you wearing glasses?”

   Lifeguards are sad to report the drowning of a hippie last night. ... He was too far out, man.

   It appears that Donald Trump got vaccinated. Now I have no choice to get it too, because I don't want my God, Trump, to be angry at me.

   The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

   My least favorite color was pink, now it's orange.

   says Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.

   badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom!

   learned that the best gift of chirstmas is seeing the disappointment in a childs face when you tell them santa isn't real.

   NBC is reporting the pope is stepping down because someone stole the van and candy he used to recruit new altar boys and the Vatican refused to buy him a new one.

   I was just traveling thru an overpass where the city's homeless seem to gather, and it made me proud. Even they are doing their part to battle this Covid 19 as I saw a couple of them administering vaccinations to each other.

   has a confirmed case of Swine Flu....it was spotted when his tail began to curl.!!

   A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.

   If genitals don't define gender, how does removing them affirm it?

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me. So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it "the Sheepdog", as it rounds em up and points them in the right direction

   In the mcdonalds parking lot banging your girlfriend.

   Trump dies one good deed and he wants an Oscar for his performance. Whatever happened to staying humble?