Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My anorexic friend died doing what she loved. Starving.

   I'm still waiting for this civil war you promised for impeaching Trump.

   If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

   Looks like it's probably going to to be a "guilty of manslaughter" verdict. Women are emotional and probably don't want to upset the prosecutor or defense so I predict they will choose a "compromise verdict" of guilty of manslaughter.

   its better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it

   I'm trying to think of a really good Miley Cyrus joke but it's not twearking

   some people can make the world a better place by putting a shotgun in thier mouths.

   I'm not telling my new girlfriend about my vasectomy. She really wants to have a baby.

   Mondays really need to be limited to one per week!

   Boy: Hey babe wanna come over later and watch me play COD? Girl: Nah I have this thing.. Boy: What thing? Girl: A life. Boy:.....

   The hardest part of driving to me is putting on my seatbelt. I just cant seem to find the time to take 3 seconds out of a 20 minute drive to buckle up. Its sad really

   My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

   Damn. Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   Now IKEA is closing its plant and moving to Europe. So much winning....

   "Baby On Board" sign help us look for a baby in case of an crash and the parents are unconscious.

   in the jungle baby! and gunna dieee!

   If this soo called God dwells inside of us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

   I don't really like animals. When I watch Whale Wars I root for the Japanese.

   Q:Why do you want to be a flight attendant? A:So I can be high all day.  

   I don't care about 11/11/11, the day I cant wait for is 6/9/69