Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are types of women. Those who have power in the world. Those who have power in the bedroom. And those who have power in both worlds.

   I'll save a kid from drowning in a pool, unless I'm wearing a really nice dry clean only outfit.

   C.L.A.S.S = Come Late And Start Sleeping.

   sickipedia dot org, is the best, and most of the status here are stolen from there

   I want to go to prison....I hear the exercise program there is AWESOME!!!

   Put down the Charlie Sheen magnifying glass, and pick up the mirror.

   Dude next to me at the urinal yesterday definitely had sugar smacks for breakfast! Dam you sense of smell!

   The akward moment when your college teacher gave you a dead line date for an essay, so you forgot to do it, so you do it at the last day and end up getting a higher grade than your classmates. "THUG LIFE"

   Brass Monkey - That funky Monkey Brass Monkey - Junkie That funky Monkey. That's funny, right? No? Dang.

   MY HERO!" "My hero." --Guy who got his sandwich stolen, then saved by a stranger

   What do you do when your three year old is clinging? Toss her in the dryer with some fabric softener of course!

   A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

   Breaking News: The much talked about Oscar Pistorious movie "The Blade Shooter" fails to win any award in Oscars.

   "Dad, are we from China?" "No, son, why?" "At Sunday School, we sang am asian grace."

   My brother just told me a vote for Romney is a vote for separation of church and state.

   cinco de mayo is not Mexico's Independence Day! retard!

   Hey everyone, I just created a new game at the gym. You go up to a big body-builder, ask him if he wears a bra and wake up at the hospital.

   "Leprosy can't be all bad. It has "rosy" in its name!" -super positive counselor at a leper colony

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   Next time you sit on a toilet today, please take the time to have a moment of silence for Elvis Presley.