Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The akward moment when your college teacher gave you a dead line date for an essay, so you forgot to do it, so you do it at the last day and end up getting a higher grade than your classmates. "THUG LIFE"

   Brass Monkey - That funky Monkey Brass Monkey - Junkie That funky Monkey. That's funny, right? No? Dang.

   MY HERO!" "My hero." --Guy who got his sandwich stolen, then saved by a stranger

   What do you do when your three year old is clinging? Toss her in the dryer with some fabric softener of course!

   A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

   Breaking News: The much talked about Oscar Pistorious movie "The Blade Shooter" fails to win any award in Oscars.

   "Dad, are we from China?" "No, son, why?" "At Sunday School, we sang am asian grace."

   My brother just told me a vote for Romney is a vote for separation of church and state.

   cinco de mayo is not Mexico's Independence Day! retard!

   Hey everyone, I just created a new game at the gym. You go up to a big body-builder, ask him if he wears a bra and wake up at the hospital.

   "Leprosy can't be all bad. It has "rosy" in its name!" -super positive counselor at a leper colony

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   Next time you sit on a toilet today, please take the time to have a moment of silence for Elvis Presley.

   If I ever come back to life as an appliance, I hope it's not as a refrigerator. I bet it's pretty annoying the way people try to cram all those magnets and pictures on you.

   playing hide and seek with Chilean pitworkers. Damn.., they are good at this game

   going to pounce on you like a spider-monkey on crack

   c[_] <- this a cup of HTFU. drink it and get on with it

   Today is National Unfriend Day... but what if mother won't let me unfriend?

   Face book keeps trying to get me to "meet up with local singles" I'm thinking how about NO Scott. seems to me like that could easily turn out to be a really really bad decision. lol watch out!! that beautiful 5'10 blonde with blue eyes might really be a 4

   Santa Claus uses slave labor. The elves are beaten every time a toy breaks. They have tried to organize, but Santa always sends in a goon squad to disrupt them. If you are against elf abuse and support their right to organize, please change your profile p