Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my ex eats alphabet soup she chokes on the D!!!

   Last night's Taco Bell finally "left the building." It smelled like a sombrero wearing donkey crawled up my a$$ and died.

   When we go shopping, my wife thinks that I am bored because I look at my phone.

   I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh!!!

   Sex so good you forget which species you are.

   I was going to stop drinking but hydration is super important. I'm doing this format wrong, aren't I?

   I'm eating at subway today, I'm trying to figure out how Jared did it. He said he just eat fresh... It's not even on the menu!

   Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men

   We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public

   What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

   How come I never see women act the way men do when they are acting like women?

   I’ve been training my facial muscles to do the nose twitch from 'Bewitched', and just had a huge breakthrough with the right nostril. Big day.

   I have 1,635 pictures on my phone of me and all my friends. Just kidding they're memes I stole from the coments

   told my wife that the doctor put me on a new exercise program that requires me to walk 3 miles a day, she said good next week you'll be 21 miles away...

   When my wife asks the dog ,Who's the good boy.. I secretly wish that she says DADDY'S THE GOOD BOY.. ....but she never does

   Sweat pants are only ok for 2 reasons. Thanksgiving and strip clubs

   It has been 24hours since I downloaded BBM on my android phone and still not a single woman has hit on me yet. I thought BBM is where all the sluts are at.

   A Relationship is like poker, if you don't have a partner you better have a good hand.

   Jehovah's witness evangelizing to a Chinese guy. Jehovah's witness - Asks " Do you know Jesus?" Chinese Guy - Answers "No, but ifi you gifi sample I make for u!"

   Its so cold I had to rub two ice cubes together to start a fire