Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Queen's Gambit: The only thing more boring than chess, is a series about it.

   When my ex eats alphabet soup she chokes on the D!!!

   I sneak into hospitals and kiss coma patients.

   Homophobia is the fear of someone getting laid the way you would not like them to.

   My wife asked me the other day if I had seen the dog bowl. I replied, I didn’t know he did that.

   To coup or not to coup may one day be the question.

   . Will space aliens be ask to pay for space force?

   That is a political miscarriage for the USA

   The day a black NFL player gets shot by a cop, ruining Paul Ryan's fantasy football team, will be the day the GOP addresses police brutality.

   Last night's Taco Bell finally "left the building." It smelled like a sombrero wearing donkey crawled up my a$$ and died.

   When we go shopping, my wife thinks that I am bored because I look at my phone.

   I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh!!!

   Sex so good you forget which species you are.

   I was going to stop drinking but hydration is super important. I'm doing this format wrong, aren't I?

   I'm eating at subway today, I'm trying to figure out how Jared did it. He said he just eat fresh... It's not even on the menu!

   Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men

   We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public

   What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

   How come I never see women act the way men do when they are acting like women?

   I’ve been training my facial muscles to do the nose twitch from 'Bewitched', and just had a huge breakthrough with the right nostril. Big day.