Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling

   I can't wait to get married, and yell "GET IN YOUR CAGE" to the woman I love.

   wonderin if this will be the year. Santa hasn't visited me since I moved out the first time. Can't figure it out!

   the airing of grievances and the demonstration of feats of strength will begin exactly at 8.00 p.m tommorrow...........dont forget to shine your pole..........

   Even Its Complicated Relationship Status iz Too Complicated For Me

   making his own underwear bomb. Anyone know how to sew?

   ..is tired of waking up to his antics so she set a trap last night..Jack Frost won't be nipping any noses now for a LONG time..

   My wife doesn't have a mean bone in her body. More like dorman with rage bones that surface late at night when I come home drunk and try to get her to have sex with me.

   thinks anyone caught wikileaking in public should be prosecuted.

   's school bus was so short, they had to put two fat kids in the back to keep it from tipping forward.

   My girl, it's difficult to say what she does....she sells sea shells on the sea shore.

   Standup Facebook. Where "Poke" is the new booty call.

   agrees with Ellen DeGeneres. Tennis ball chasers would be more efficient if they used a leaf blower.

   Hiding from the sun again

   Survey reveals what women feel about their Azzes. Only 15% women feel their Azz is too big. Remaining 85% say: We don�t care, we are married to them.

   Yes, but keep copies." -- When my secretary asked me if she should destroy files that were over ten years old.

   reading Come On In! by Doris Open

   just informed that her Birth Certificate has expired.

   Where can I find what youse all is smoking in here?

   its so humid, is that oil I smell in the air?