Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   every morning I tell myself this is all a dream, amanda bynes is normal and destiny's child is still together

   Now that's he's fired, in about six months I can say to that Men's Wearhouse guy: "You're NOT going to like the way you look. I guarantee it."

   I know it Halloween and stuff, but A white bronco just pulled up and threw out 2 bodies and then sped off really fast.....(Ö_Ö) on the lawn

   I take my dog clubbing with me cause he's good at chasing tail...

   Know what I going to Buy to My MAYAN friend for Christmas.

   For those of you who think you're all failures, just think. Ash Ketchum from pokemon is 25 and only has a fifth grade education while only ever owning 68 out of 649. Just hang in there

   Remember the good old days where we use to read the newspaper while taking a crap? LMAO

   Fire up the bong...Michael Phelps won GOLD!! 19 Medals, 15 of'em GOLD!!

   My failed brakes bring all the mechanics to the yard. And they like...(finish it off guys and make it funny)

   has anyone noticed how the sun makes ones hair colour lighter but skin colour darker?!?

   Will you write on your girlfriend's Facebook wall telling her how much you love each her?" ~Said Nobody, ever.

   Who else proofread something after they posted? Oh so I'm the only one......

   At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling

   I can't wait to get married, and yell "GET IN YOUR CAGE" to the woman I love.

   wonderin if this will be the year. Santa hasn't visited me since I moved out the first time. Can't figure it out!

   the airing of grievances and the demonstration of feats of strength will begin exactly at 8.00 p.m tommorrow...........dont forget to shine your pole..........

   Even Its Complicated Relationship Status iz Too Complicated For Me

   making his own underwear bomb. Anyone know how to sew?

   ..is tired of waking up to his antics so she set a trap last night..Jack Frost won't be nipping any noses now for a LONG time..

   My wife doesn't have a mean bone in her body. More like dorman with rage bones that surface late at night when I come home drunk and try to get her to have sex with me.