Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   son, I checked your internet history the other day. it was completely empty, which can only mean one thing. why don't you use the internet?

   looked for all of my friends on Facebook and they've all turned into GIRAFFES!

   Now that the government has shut down the food stamp program, I can see the television industry revamping the commercials: The Trix Rabbit will be packing heat, and using it if need be.

   Girl, are you a plumber? Cause I just felt the last ounce of romance drain from our relationship.

   Have may stretch pants on.....do you?

   HEADLINE: Miley Cyrus stuffs fan's thong in her mouth.

   I forgot where I threw my boomerang but after a little while it came back to me.

   Amazon says that by 2015 they can make deliveries using drones, your move Jimmy Johns

   Easter is coming up soon. the parents with multiple kids are kinda lucky......you'll have more than 1 chocolate bunny in the refrigerator & we know they like to reproduce.....never-ending supply of chocolate

   Have you ever been so drunk that you think its 1999?

   According to bookkeeping, I'm broke

   My songs pants fell down last night and a hologram of Michael Jackson appeared

   Those of you who like food pictures, have you never been in a supermarket?

   This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything

   When the temperature drops 15 or 20 degrees I am going to go outside and see what I didn't do today! Just saying.

   Why did the rooster cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off?

   I'm just no good at being sleazy... I may need to go to Britain for some training.

   I'm not as random as you think I Salad.

   A frat house installs a retractible ceiling. “We just can't get enough Natural Light,” says its president. They hi-five for 6 straight hours

   Stages of Status Updating: 1. Whatever. 2. Good for waiting rooms. 3. Pulled over at the side of the road so you don't forget a great status update.