Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 6 year old gave my 1 year old then run down on Halloween. She said, " When we get to the door you have to say trick-or-treat.. that means please in Halloween."

   Can't live with her, can't live without her........what if your plane crashes in the Andes

   hey...do we look like we into cheap and safe like candles and flashlights???....Obviously when it comes to lighting crayons on fire, we into much more than just cheap and safe!

   Ever notice that Valentine's Day and Venereal Disease have the same abbreviation?

   Bob Costas' eyes went down on Ludmila Pachinko.

   I did a search to learn how to play ZZ Top guitar, It said I would never be that bad a**

   Men underestimate us we reach our full potential which is crazy illogical overeactions.

   do the indianapolis colts play at home this week? anybody?

   son, I checked your internet history the other day. it was completely empty, which can only mean one thing. why don't you use the internet?

   looked for all of my friends on Facebook and they've all turned into GIRAFFES!

   Now that the government has shut down the food stamp program, I can see the television industry revamping the commercials: The Trix Rabbit will be packing heat, and using it if need be.

   Girl, are you a plumber? Cause I just felt the last ounce of romance drain from our relationship.

   Have may stretch pants on.....do you?

   HEADLINE: Miley Cyrus stuffs fan's thong in her mouth.

   I forgot where I threw my boomerang but after a little while it came back to me.

   Amazon says that by 2015 they can make deliveries using drones, your move Jimmy Johns

   Easter is coming up soon. the parents with multiple kids are kinda lucky......you'll have more than 1 chocolate bunny in the refrigerator & we know they like to reproduce.....never-ending supply of chocolate

   Have you ever been so drunk that you think its 1999?

   According to bookkeeping, I'm broke

   My songs pants fell down last night and a hologram of Michael Jackson appeared