Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanna hear a joke? Your love life.

   U put songs like Anaconda on your top 10 list and you wonder why the world hatez you. - Tastless

   I want to be buried with a Brontosaurus bone, so this way people will think that Dino (Flintstones) buried me...

   Whenever someone tries to do the state farm jingle and teleport, I always mess with them. They'll say "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there....." and I'll say something like "... in the ghetto" or "in a crack house" and watch the fun.

   "Being curious is secondary, being serious is primary".

   spoon + fork = spork whisk + knife = wife ....they can stir things up & kill you

   These aren't wrinkles on my face, they're road maps

   The difference between a teacher and a train conductor? One trains the mind while the other minds the train.

   I feel like a slice of butter, meltin on a big ol' pile of flapjacks!

   Your tongue is the best alarm clock.

   Who is Valentine's? And why is my girlfriend talking about him a lot lately?

   You are a pain in the ovaries!

   My 6 year old gave my 1 year old then run down on Halloween. She said, " When we get to the door you have to say trick-or-treat.. that means please in Halloween."

   Can't live with her, can't live without her........what if your plane crashes in the Andes

   hey...do we look like we into cheap and safe like candles and flashlights???....Obviously when it comes to lighting crayons on fire, we into much more than just cheap and safe!

   Ever notice that Valentine's Day and Venereal Disease have the same abbreviation?

   Bob Costas' eyes went down on Ludmila Pachinko.

   I did a search to learn how to play ZZ Top guitar, It said I would never be that bad a**

   Men underestimate us we reach our full potential which is crazy illogical overeactions.

   do the indianapolis colts play at home this week? anybody?