Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Star Wars is out Bar Scene is dead Thanks a lot Harrison Ford.

   I sleep peacefully knowing negative energy can always be transformed into positive by consuming excessive amounts of chocolate.

   My thigh gap brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "standing with your feet 5 feet apart isn't a thigh gap."

   Luis Suarez has signed with barcelona for 70 million euros...that's a big bite out of the team's budget!

   "We look down on other fish fingers" - A Birds Eye view.

   convinced I may be a vampire; a steak through the heart would probably kill me.

   If news about a movie being made upsets you, why not work out your anger by getting out your oils and painting a masterpiece.

   if I hang bat stuff all over my "man cave", will I have a "bat man cave"? .....Alfred, get me a drink

   Wanna hear a joke? Your love life.

   U put songs like Anaconda on your top 10 list and you wonder why the world hatez you. - Tastless

   I want to be buried with a Brontosaurus bone, so this way people will think that Dino (Flintstones) buried me...

   Whenever someone tries to do the state farm jingle and teleport, I always mess with them. They'll say "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there....." and I'll say something like "... in the ghetto" or "in a crack house" and watch the fun.

   "Being curious is secondary, being serious is primary".

   spoon + fork = spork whisk + knife = wife ....they can stir things up & kill you

   These aren't wrinkles on my face, they're road maps

   The difference between a teacher and a train conductor? One trains the mind while the other minds the train.

   I feel like a slice of butter, meltin on a big ol' pile of flapjacks!

   Your tongue is the best alarm clock.

   Who is Valentine's? And why is my girlfriend talking about him a lot lately?

   You are a pain in the ovaries!