Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My journey of a thousand miles began with a single step. But I had the wrong shoes on and now i've gone back a few paces.

   went to the dark side but came back cause they lied about having cookies....

   People took LSD to make the world weird . . . now people take Prozac to make it normal.

   an expert on escaping padded cells and straight jackets

   note to self: learn that the word voltage is a bad thing before placing hands on the cables

   your ass must be from McDonald's, cuz I'm luvin it!

   The one good thing I experienced about eating at In & Out Burger is it helped get rid of that gum I swallowed several years ago.

   I may not be Einstein, but dumb + dumb = you

   Theres no way in hell I'm ever buying my child a Elmo doll...I'm still having nightmares from having one as a child!

   If “plan A” didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters.

   · you know if she hasn't text ya back half of the the night you know shes taken care of

   Getting tired of people who haven't had a drop in 10 years calling themselves alcoholics. If you're living in Iowa, you ain't a sea captain.

   you know you're too fat when the underwear company renames your size as udderwear

   You're telling me things I want to hear, but you're not showing me the things I want to see. - said the golddigger

   I need a new belt but hate shopping. Time to become a boxer.

   I'm opening a new restaurant to compete with TGI Fridays called Sucky Tuesdays.

   Who really has nothing but socks in their sock drawer?

   true friends tell you when you have a boogie chillin

   Shoutout to the girls that got that good rooster neck

   Note to self for when I'm ready to take over the world: Kiwi and corn in the same day turns a cute baby into a deadly environmental disaster.