Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate waiting in line ups. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.

   No word from my date last night. I texted "We Might As Well Be Strangers" & "This Is The Last Time!" Hope I'm not coming across too Keane.

   just sitting here with my hand in the cookie jar :)

   Who thinks Bobby Brown knew what he was singing about in “My Prerogative”?

   "F hash tags and retweets, 140 characters in these streets"

   When you live in Syria and the only way out is going to Iraq...you are in great sh**

   Sticks and Stones and Trademarks may break my bones

   Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again and throwing yourself down a flight of stairs in a furious tear-filled rage?

   All I'm saying is if she was any dumber I'd have to water her.

   Here's some sad news. The man who invented the electric blanket passed away last week. Instead of cremation, he asked that his blanket be turned up to 9.

   Spent $300 at a steak house last night... today, my poop does not look any better.

   My husband was holding the baby monitor watching her sleep, and I asked him if he wanted another one. He thought I was offering to go get him another beer.

   .... When I was a kid I always wanted to become a Dr. and change my last name to Acula ...

   Cruz chooses Billy Graham as VP, even though he might not be alive.

   Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

   Why do all the pictures of Noah's ark show the front having the wave breaker design? All it had to do is float for a year.

   Fact: 69% of people will find something dirty in every sentence.

   We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream. :HR Department

   [Marketing Meeting] "Let's say people get laid when they eat our chips." Nope, too direct... "What about "Lays" Potato chips?" Perfect!.

   Carli Lloyd - the next Atomic Bomb to be dropped on Japan