Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I'm saying is if she was any dumber I'd have to water her.

   Here's some sad news. The man who invented the electric blanket passed away last week. Instead of cremation, he asked that his blanket be turned up to 9.

   Spent $300 at a steak house last night... today, my poop does not look any better.

   My husband was holding the baby monitor watching her sleep, and I asked him if he wanted another one. He thought I was offering to go get him another beer.

   .... When I was a kid I always wanted to become a Dr. and change my last name to Acula ...

   Cruz chooses Billy Graham as VP, even though he might not be alive.

   Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

   Why do all the pictures of Noah's ark show the front having the wave breaker design? All it had to do is float for a year.

   Fact: 69% of people will find something dirty in every sentence.

   We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream. :HR Department

   [Marketing Meeting] "Let's say people get laid when they eat our chips." Nope, too direct... "What about "Lays" Potato chips?" Perfect!.

   Carli Lloyd - the next Atomic Bomb to be dropped on Japan

   The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

   It's none of my business whether you wear a weave or not. I only care when we have sex & it tries to strangle me when I'm asleep

   A CIVIL war is where people are nice and polite to each other “Excuse me kind sir, would you mind having your head chopped off?”

   Only part of me happy about a global wine shortage is my liver.

   Women will remember everything you say and do. Especially those things you don't want them to remember.

   Facebook and writing (like journaling) are a poor man's therapy.

   I had to switch to the Ipad to see what you wrote on FB.....I just turn it on, and I could of sworn I saw a middle finger come up at the beginning of the screen before it died again...

   Today they took Rob Ford's office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That's actually the one I wou