Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life throws you s%it, but the s%it is not always a bad thing, it's taking you to better places…

   These pills will make you stop being a crazy B*tch...You should take one.

   I wonder if you carpeted the sidewalks to cover all the cracks, if that would save all the mothers out there from paralyzation.

   I thought gold medal women's rowing was what happens outside pubs across Britain every Saturday night....

   believe in the magical idealism and the theory of the absolute individual

   I think I'm going to sell everyone else out,,, And be the farmer supplying Life with all these lemons everyone's talking about.

   Celebrities won't talk to me. Now what am I suppose to do on Twitter?

   I am so lazy that I legitimately get angry when I have to change from the alphabet to numbers to symbol keyboards when typing a tweet

   Fanny packs- still better baggage than you carry.

   If you watch the Godfather backwards it's about a bunch of guys that come back from the dead and then go to a wedding

   procuring stones to cast at thou.

   people that say 'i shi t you not' should probably invest in some laxatives.

   people that put empty containers back in the fridge and pantry are the same people that want to a die, a long, slow and painful death.

   Having weak phone reception is the closest I'll ever be to having relationship problems.

   Looks like they used up all the power trying to revive Wyclef’s career.

   It's entirely conceivable that the ass I just saw plays a key role in the machinations of the rocking world...

   A recent study has shown that its much more difficult to lie to someone you truly love than lying to someone you don't love.

   This guy next to me is giving me the get off your phone and drive look.

   If you love someone set them free. If they comeback, probably it was a Fast & The Furious Movie.

   Oh, don't mind me, I'm just singing Usher's "Nice & Slow" to some pizza.