Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Years ago, I was all set to marry the man of my dreams. On the day we were supposed to elope, he didn’t show up. It took me a year or two to accept he didn’t marry me because he didn’t know I existed, I was 13 and he was Sam Elliot ;-)

   While we're on the subject. I am going to see a transgender male female stripper tonight. I'm confused now. . .

   Tweeting is not a valid defense, it's like having your getaway driver testify he never saw you rob the bank.

   The streets of my city are no longer safe. I do not wish to use kung fu, but I am afraid that there is no alternative.

   I'm covering my ears like a kid When your words mean nothing, I go la la la

   make america a vast wilderness again

   KARMARIFIC : My new word For when karma gets someone so sweetly ..It's Karmarific !

   ou do Waiters in the Restaurant always ask you as soon as you enter,"Would You Like a Table Sir?” … “No not at all, I came to the Restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”

   If your #PMSing wife hands you #lemons, you better zest them or make lemonade or she'll stab you & squeeze lemon juice into the open wound.

   I just got back from a cannibal Thanksgiving get together. ..... I had a ball.

   I'm finally opening my Christmas gifts. I have to hand it to my family, when you talk about recycling, they define the term. The boxes are old. I mean boxes with Christmas Seals on them from 1957 and held t

   Now we'll never know how to get to Sesame Street!

   NEWS FLASH! I was hired to proof read the original 10 Commandments. Well let me tell you that I found a big mistake with #7. It should have read: Thou shalt not omit adultery.

   Google "African awareness dance for corona" and don't spread rumors.

   not even a virus outbreak can help yall come up with good stuff

   Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

   If it has yellow and black stripes, I run the other way, fast!

   “Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is hanging by a thread waiting on his guilty verdict.

   If anybody seen me out last night, it wasn't me...I've been hacked!