Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got back from a cannibal Thanksgiving get together. ..... I had a ball.

   I'm finally opening my Christmas gifts. I have to hand it to my family, when you talk about recycling, they define the term. The boxes are old. I mean boxes with Christmas Seals on them from 1957 and held t

   Now we'll never know how to get to Sesame Street!

   Whenever Kids Says Mummy I Love, Just Say Start Talking Because They Need Something

   I love to change the world but I don't know what to do, so I leave it up to you to wear a mask. Ten Years After,

   Teacher: "Billy give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat, and detail in it." Bily: "When a horse jumps defence, defeat go first then detail.

   There's definitely a psychosis attached to being overweight. All f@t chicks are weird.

   My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

   I'm not an alcoholic I'm just always down to drink. Huge difference 😭

   bert: I want a divorce wife: are u… bert: don’t wife: *holding in laughter* are you sherbert?

   Years ago, I was all set to marry the man of my dreams. On the day we were supposed to elope, he didn’t show up. It took me a year or two to accept he didn’t marry me because he didn’t know I existed, I was 13 and he was Sam Elliot ;-)

   While we're on the subject. I am going to see a transgender male female stripper tonight. I'm confused now. . .

   There is a new singing comedian sex offender ... His name is Bing Cosby

   .... Dammit my six pack has turned into a keg ... time to hit the gym again.

   Remember fellas, no matter how good or so hot she looks, and yet she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   I remember years ago my wife would undress and her torso would look like the hottest thing ever. Nowadays when she undresses, her torso looks like Homer Simpson.

   Pay attention, 007,,, This might look's like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   In Yugoslavia. In Yugoslavia, you never starve.. Great stones song man ...

   RIP Gene Wilder, everyone loved Willy Wonka, the only movie most people think you ever did....

   It took a lot of Native Americans to convince the government that water is Good for everyone But the government still wants to wipe them out.