Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will be a functioning member of society today -calls in sick

   I just realized that you can find more of your friends under the "other tools" category. Apparently, FB doesn't really know my friends because none of them were under this category...

   I wondered why everytime I would visit my grandma at the retirement home they were having a Hawaiian luau until I learned that flowery clothing was the fashion trend of old people.

   If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated

   got to heavens gate and god sent me back.....the good die young, I aint eligible for that

   the more successful you are the more they will envy you, so screw it, be the best of the best it's not like anyone can do anything about it

   Whenever Uncle Eyjafjallajokull would say, "Kids! Pull my finger!" We were smart enough to ignore him. Is there a lesson here Iceland?

   theres more characters on facebook than the chinese language.

   Watching "bang for your buck" on hgtv not what I thought it was!

   google 'waynesworld'... its gonna be bigger than crapbook

   Has been watching your whole life ................. so don't even think about it !

   playing Words With Foes

   Granny- "I like pushing those rotating doors you get on the way into some places, really fast when there are people in them because it means they have to kind of run to stay standing"

   Schizophrenia- Me against all of me.

   Honesty is the best policy. But just try getting an Honesty Policy from your insurance broker.

   the mayor of sassy town

   If you include your kid's high GPA score in your Christmas letter grandma will be proud but everyone else hates you.

   The word "Scone" perfectly describes what it is.

   Last Sunday's sermon came from Manchester 6vs1..'and Fergie wept.'..

   Look, if I thought my feelings needed to be spared I would've just went to a prostitute and saved myself the effort!