Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to be a downer but after being gone for 33 years now I'm starting to suspect that my Dad isn't still out buying cigarettes....

   Traitor Joe: Hmmm,, how can I regain people's trust AND sell groceries at the same time?

   Critiquing what local business owners do with their hands on 30 second spots since 1984.

   Just hope that one day I'll have an infectious disease named after me.

   Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race, but then I remember there are grown ups who like Pokémon Go.

   It may be raining now but it will brighten up later on today. What time are you available?

   Who decided that the phrase should be “I’m getting dressed” instead of the more masculine “I’m getting trousered”?

   Got a notice from the HOA that I didn't post a pic of my kid at a pumpkin patch.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone in the best Hallowen party idea ever!!!

   Already rolling my eyes in preparation for the 4/20 snap chats I get on Easter.

   You look like the kind of girl that gets her sex tips from a grocery store tabloid.

   Charlie Sheern has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   I'm not musically inclined so I orchestrate robberies.

   everyone is making a big deal about seeing an eclipse...haven't they sat down in a movie theater before?

   Fun fact: in 1930 Ruth Wakenfield invented the chocolate chip/tall house cookie by accident.

   I've come up with I sure-fire money-making product. Glow in the dark sunglasses.

   if dogs could text back they'd call

   I was driving down the road this morning and swerved to avoid a banana peel. See mom me playing Mario Kart in my room all day when I was younger paid off.

   If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet ?

   I'l have to be a trombone donor. I'm all out of organs.