Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Romantic comedies have ruined women's expectations. Every time I go on a first date she thinks my best friend is LeBron James.

   Trying to decide between Best Pumbling Service and Superior Plumbing Service. Which do you think is better?

   Can you do me a favor? Take a picture of yourself, and send it to me. I am playing cards and seem to be missing the Joker |♠|♣|♥|♦|

   You know when a friend says they just don't know why they are single? And they are wearing Dansko clogs. Like they belong in a tree making cookies for Keebler? Life lesson 219....

   Pro Tip: Hula Hoops were once banned in Japan for causing "obscene movements".

   A little bit about me, I'm a Capricorn and I was named after a horse thief that had troubles maintaining an erection.

   "We don't like any of this! Wait, we LOVE this thing here!" -The Internet

   Ryan Lochte joins latest "Dancing with the Stars" cast, claims Tom Bergeron robbed him at gunpoint.

   Not to be a downer but after being gone for 33 years now I'm starting to suspect that my Dad isn't still out buying cigarettes....

   Traitor Joe: Hmmm,, how can I regain people's trust AND sell groceries at the same time?

   Critiquing what local business owners do with their hands on 30 second spots since 1984.

   Just hope that one day I'll have an infectious disease named after me.

   Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race, but then I remember there are grown ups who like Pokémon Go.

   It may be raining now but it will brighten up later on today. What time are you available?

   Who decided that the phrase should be “I’m getting dressed” instead of the more masculine “I’m getting trousered”?

   Got a notice from the HOA that I didn't post a pic of my kid at a pumpkin patch.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone in the best Hallowen party idea ever!!!

   Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

   Please don't Facebook and drive! And if you have to update your status just do like I do and pull over to the side of the road, which is where I've been sitting since ever since I signed up with Facebook in 2014.

   What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski m