Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hotel clerk: May I help you? Me: Call an ambulance. HC: What happened? M: I'm not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

   I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive Her: Have you tried dog pounds? Me: Yeah, but apparently it's 'not a real currency'

   reading rob zombie's name is a real wild ride. at first you're like "rob? ok, I know what we're dealing with here". then things get weird

   What did Tonto say when the Lone Ranger got drunk and rambled on and on in one long sentence? “White man speak with Faulknered tongue.”

   ometimes I crash parties in a swimsuit, and tell people I'm a Reverse Lifeguard keeping an eye on the land.

   Me: Honey, have you seen my beer? Wife: Did you check in the shower? Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

   The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

   Me: This spaghetti is spicy. Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

   Therapy In 4 Words: Great bourbon, fluffy kittens.

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal

   How's my day going? I just watched a fastest fish fillet competition video and had a rooting interest for one of the participants.

   Love to use the Ouija board to pester my dead girlfriends.

   Romantic comedies have ruined women's expectations. Every time I go on a first date she thinks my best friend is LeBron James.

   Trying to decide between Best Pumbling Service and Superior Plumbing Service. Which do you think is better?

   Can you do me a favor? Take a picture of yourself, and send it to me. I am playing cards and seem to be missing the Joker |♠|♣|♥|♦|

   You know when a friend says they just don't know why they are single? And they are wearing Dansko clogs. Like they belong in a tree making cookies for Keebler? Life lesson 219....

   Pro Tip: Hula Hoops were once banned in Japan for causing "obscene movements".

   A little bit about me, I'm a Capricorn and I was named after a horse thief that had troubles maintaining an erection.

   "We don't like any of this! Wait, we LOVE this thing here!" -The Internet

   Ryan Lochte joins latest "Dancing with the Stars" cast, claims Tom Bergeron robbed him at gunpoint.