Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Won't be on for a while guys, just got arrested for 20 grams of Marijuana.

   What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? ........Swim for your life !!!.......jlm

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, lady, well, shame on Lionel Richie.

   Feminism. Ok start with cheer leading. That's probably the most degrading activity ever. Using women as tools and decoration pieces while men be the center of attention. You did this to yourselves

   Skinless chicken breasts are more mouthwatering and yummy than regular chicken breasts. Human breasts, however, are more mouthwatering and yummy with the skin on.

   Watching Kate Upton's easter video. Something is rising and it ain't jesus.

   says so I told the teaching lady that the only letters of the alphabet I need to learn are you S and A!

   Geno Smith sucker punched. Out 6-10 weeks. Apparently HE threw the first punch. It was intercepted!!!

   HIM: Do you want to go for a ride in my BMW? HER: Yep you can drive me to my JAGUAR!

   people who say same exact are dumb stupid...

   Talked to this pimp today and he was pissed. I said why are you mad? he said I got to provide health insurance for my hos cuz I got more than 50 employed.

   GOP today: Dems never get serious abuot spending. GOP in 2011: The spending cuts we got Ds to agree to were major concessions.

   Take no prisoners...Christopher Dorner you are going down!!!

   I don't care if it's 2-1 or 64-31 aslong as it's more than double thums down i'm happy happy joy joy!

   well it's not going to suck it's self!

   My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.

   Native American ghosts spend Thanksgiving Day at backyard football games, tearing 40 y.o. white dudes achilles tendons.

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario there was a DUMBASS who didn't take it out in time.

   When I was 5 I used to be a paedophile but I guess I grew out of it.

   Just smoked some dried cat poop that I thought was weed, and now I think I'm turning Siamese!