Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i speak fluen deutsch

   "You are the sun and I the moon. I am the sea to your shore. In your arms I've finally found the love I was searching for."

   that awkard moment when your at the club using all the moves you learned from Just Dance,Dance Central, and Micheal Jackson's the Experience on the dancefloor...

   My wife says "Its uncomfortable going to the new OB. My legs are wide open 3 min after we meet." I said, So do 99% of the girls on Craigslist.

   Casey Anthony didn't even get a slap on the hand. She did however get her fingers dirty by getting fingerprinted.

   I had just sat down when I discovered that I needed toilet paper!

   This is for chicks with big mouthes: I have three wishes for you I wish, I wish, I wish you would bit&*!!

   The feeling when you leave behind something and realize it only when its too late

   soooooo high.. that he/she can hear heaven )O.o(

   The mailman comes in any weather, because his bag is made of leather.

   Later on that night after Greyson was born Andrew and I were sitting alone..and he started to weep..and I asked him why...and he said "I'm scared..how do I explain to my son about Milli Vanilli" and I hugged him and told him God will help him find a way..

   Explain this egomaniac yanks, world champs? When its a NATIONAL league? Football when you use your hands? instead of follow up highlights its who had the best commercial? Pathetic overconsumption unhappy society.

   STOP TRYING TO TALK LIKE LIL WAYNE AND DRAKE RAP!!!! Youre all just making yourselves sound like illiterate retards. Youre not Lil wayne and your not Drake, so why dont you do what Drake says and DO YOU!!!!

   When I see a ugly girl looking In the mirror I like run to the mirror & throw water at it & say,"see your ugliness made it cry"....

   WOW! Good news from the doc... It's not a growth on my ass, just a stuck turd...

   What if the real Slim Shady is in a wheelchair?

   God is a spaghetti monster. It all makes sense now. Hey everybody I'm Atheist now!

   Men fear me and women want me in the shower, both because of the lice

   i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

   Genesis 3:16 To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”