Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Callous: adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

   Sex Ed teacher: Class today we will start on the birds and the bees. Today is bees. *opens hive, unleashing an angry swarm of bees*... Locks us in

   I think God give us children so that death doesn't come as a surprise!

   Wait what about Niki Minaj in the 2000's....okay nevermind

   Thanksgiving: "Let's give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let's get all new stuff” MERICA!!!

   you should make a barbecue of a rude guest.

   I really jacked-up my back today playing golf today, I fell off the ball washing machine

   I came so hard last night even Alexa had a smoke

   Merry hammered people! I'm Christmas!

   Most gay couples don't have children of their own. You can't really cabby legitimately use that to argue your homophobic argument.

   Damn girl are you the new Superman movie? Cause I have no interest in seeing you.

   Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.

   Two peanuts are walking down the street, and one is assaulted...

   wonders if anyone sees the irony of Goodyear providing the official arial coverage of the olympic games when they are a tire company...

   and, finally, what do you call a deer with no eyes? I-Have-No-I-Deer!

   Ahh Bud light the sweet lower calorie nectar made by mother nature

   What does a woman's arse and mouth have in common? Both are fun to put a c*ck in but nothing but sh*t comes out of them both

   Oh I'm sorry, does my repeat check ins at the gym remind you of how lazy you are?

   Never make snow angels in a dog park.

   I don't like the term An@l Bleaching. I prefer "Changing your Ring Tone."