Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the doctor said pops has sugar in his urine now we cant stop him from peeing on his cornflakes.

   I'm hosting a rave in Rome, Italy. What a Riot!

   Only Till Facebook came Along Did We Realize How Much We All Like.

   I was trying to bribe the dog on my way home. But he just stared at me then lie upside down, wiggles his tail and leave. I guess, language barrier is the reason...

   Babies have big heads and big eyes, and tiny little bodies with tiny little arms and legs. So did the aliens at Roswell! I rest my case.

   survey: Would you rather be a ginormous hampster or a tiny rhinocerous?

   thinking it must be Thursday, Larry King is getting divorsed

   May 4th is Star Wars Day. I hear to celebrate you have to go back to your parent's basement, spend all night alone in a costume, then retreat under the covers with a wookie photo, two cinnabuns, and a flashlight.

   I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

   'Me and my shadow' my @ss...whenever I get caught, that b!tch runs!

   why can't we just get a big pair of pliers and crimp that oil leak shut??

   Recent reports indicate MuhamedBob FlarePants was both lonely and depressed. Do you mean all we have to end the war on terror is to prescribe them Prozac and give them a puppy?

   there an "Kentuky chicken bucket challenge" for funds against morbid obesity? If so, I'm in!!!!

   ..... The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

   US Surpreme Court Justice Scalia is dead, I certainly hope Obama nominates a Kardashian to the Supreme Court.

   ... Woke up this morning and found a lump on my breast ..... was relieved to find out it's not cancerious .... Just my boyfriend refusing to let go!

   If I owned a gun I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and shoot myself, and that's why I don't have a gun.

   You should be with your best friend. If you can't send them hilarious pictures of your poop, it's just not going to work out.

   When the power goes out in WV...2% of the time a transformer has blown....18% of the time a tree has fell on the line...80% of the time someone wrecked into a Utility Pole.

   You know those people that put a basket on their bike for their dog to ride along? Same but for tequila bottles