Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How can you stand under me, if you don't understand me?

   F*** procrastiation. Now I'm going to fail my finals....

   I've never had to have the need for mistle toe to get the ladies.

   I met a girl and she must had been really into me cause she gave me her number. She must be on TV cause her number begins with 555... Score!!!!

   going to write a book about the connection between rationalizing and procrastinating... Typing it would probably be easier. Might just dictate it to someone, make a few notes, or record it. Yeah, totally gonna do that, eventually!

   Happines is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.

   I don't drink; it dulls the drugs.

   I have this bad habit of always using my left hand to wipe my ass. Instead, I'm going to try to commit to using toilet paper more often.

   If you can text with both hands at the same time, you are Ambi-Textual.

   uh...to the person who asked for the alibi...your on your own pal...

   wow...another recipe...thank god I'm on facebook or id never realize theres 721 things I can make with a turnip

   How did I end up on the naughty list? I sold my soul to Santa as a kid for better toys. Too bad I'm dyslexic.

   If you don't JUMP OUT OF YOUR SEAT at "Streaks on the China..." from the Mr. Belvedere theme song, then get the Heck out of America.

   Because you quit carrying stuff we would buy. Also See 2a & 2b. Examples: K-Mart & Sears 3.) Some of us cannot afford said basket.

   Tonight I have a date with my Ego.

   Let's stay together = let's change the channel

   Yo, Momma got a Ticket for driving in the HOV Lane ...She told the officer "I didn't see that v up there".

   preparing for sunshine but expecting rain.

   First words I said upon waking up today were " DAVID DOESN'T CARE !!!!! " See I was woken up once again by the smut upstairs arguing and scremaing over the phone with her boyfriend David

   Breakfast and double expresso shot in the AM = $9 Monster Energy Drink and Lunch = $16.50 ....taking a nap at 4pm and waking up at 945pm. PRICELESS.