Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tom Brady is the one who threatened Stormy Daniels. I knew he was a douche! Now we have proof.

   Did you hear about the japanese lady that gave birth while taking a bath?she named her kid'' so kin wet''

   A weasel walks in a bar. Bartender says what ya have? Pop goes the weasel.

   A woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a hot day. Full of eggs and appealing for only a short time.

   Procrastinate now-don't put it off.

   ejaculate and evacuate

   So, did he or did he not call the US justice system a disgrace? I'm so confused.

   You know your getting old, when you start changing your grammer in texts..you know "goin' - going, neva-never, ax-ask.

   I've always wanted to know what was Victoria's secret…

   How can you stand under me, if you don't understand me?

   F*** procrastiation. Now I'm going to fail my finals....

   I've never had to have the need for mistle toe to get the ladies.

   I met a girl and she must had been really into me cause she gave me her number. She must be on TV cause her number begins with 555... Score!!!!

   going to write a book about the connection between rationalizing and procrastinating... Typing it would probably be easier. Might just dictate it to someone, make a few notes, or record it. Yeah, totally gonna do that, eventually!

   Happines is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.

   I don't drink; it dulls the drugs.

   I have this bad habit of always using my left hand to wipe my ass. Instead, I'm going to try to commit to using toilet paper more often.

   If you can text with both hands at the same time, you are Ambi-Textual.

   uh...to the person who asked for the alibi...your on your own pal...

   wow...another recipe...thank god I'm on facebook or id never realize theres 721 things I can make with a turnip