Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like you a lottle, it's like a little, except a lot.

   I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   They say it's not the about the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean? BS... I've NEVER seen a small ship make big waves!!

   11 out of 10 centipedes go bankrupt when they go bowling.

   Shout out to pizza for giving me shin splints... Indirectly, but still.

   I feel about as lucky as a dude that is attracted to "butch" lesbians...

   Happy Catfish Day!!!

   That awkward moment when you wish someone Happy Birthday on facebook, only to realize you posted someone else's name on their wall... Darn those fb birthday notifications!

   just found 2 new nooks and 7 new crannies on his grandmother this morning.

   If your life and or feelings are are better because you're now posting anonymously... It's time to re-evaluate your life choices my friend. That's just sad. There is actually a "real world" out there.

   Only with my mother could me saying "getting old sucks" be heard as "getting oral s*x".

   Dont let the ladies fool you cuz deep down they know they need us men...If not for the orgygasims then at least for are ability too kill spiders and open jars...

   And who replied to this you are an amazing animal. evryone knows that.

   People say your life flashes before your eyes when you die, but Steve Apple doesn't support Flash.

   "Please, consider giving your time to help those in need." ...Ok, done. Wow, what a bunch of whiners, that was so easy. NEXT PROBLEM.

   man its' boring in the office... okay everyone I have an idea: let's just take off our pants at 13 o'clock simultaneously... this should spice things up.

   Who needs love when you've got a gun?

   "The people of Libya love me, except the ones given hallucinogenic drugs by Al Qaeda...Duh, WINNING!" ~Muammar Gaddafisteen~

   G.T.I.....Gym, Tan, I'm not buying it!

   I love living in a big city!! There are sooo many more people to yell at!!