Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All that glitters is not gold; its got daddy issues.

   But sir, in your bio it is clearly mentioned that you are funny. How then?

   .... There are two things in life that are certain ... and I took care of one of them today .... I'm really hoping the other one will hold off for quite a while!!!

   If you’ve ever run out of alcohol then looked around the room for something to f cuk you up…then you’re a lot like me.

   Officer: can I see your driver's licence please madam? Me: I have a driver's licence?

   I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart.

   Use this for•The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

   my steadfast refusal to consume his meat has proven to be a significant impediment to his acquisition of pudding, consequently I have been led to masticate upon this dictionary.

   you spin my head right round, right round..but thats a good thing, it was outta wack from checking out that guy ;)

   I don't need no love all I need is the DJ

   revising the whole webster dictionary.

   shhhh..I am having a staring contest with the back of her eyelids and I think I am about to win

   Now I know why they call it the "California roll"!! They just as well take down the stop signs out here!!

   the walls have eyes...

   Don't you hate that when it rains people who has an umbrella keep walking underneath the awnings, and let people who doesn't have one get wet? Ugh! I just want to grab the umbrella and put a hole in it!!

   Told a girl free refills with a magic mouth. I guess she never saw that snickers commercial...

   loves playing with it more and more the longer it gets! (my hair)

   thinking some people are waste of space, and wonder why you even got them as friends on ur fb??!

   if we're not supposed to have laet night snacks, why is there a light in the frigde?

   just went to recycle some bottles and cans at the food store, the return area wasnt open yet, I went into ask them to open it and when I came out a crack head stole my cart and was running down the block with it.