Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It only two dangling thingys and I still dont know which one to pull....-ceiling fans all over the world!

   if there's too much sauce on the biscuit.. you better find another biscuit to eat! ;)

   Headed out and about shopping, maybe the mall and trying out my new Mistletoe belt buckle!!

   "I must say the end of the year has kinda dragged on without new episodes of 'HERE COME HONEY BOO BOO!' every week"

   Nice to see the government screwing with the public's intelligence about the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty'. Too bad it's total fiction.

   Let the bros at the urinals around you know everything's alright by nodding and whispering, "that's better."

   "Deep Inpact" is a fictional movie about our government reacting to an enormous problem buy trying to destroy it from existance thus resulting in creating two separate problems, 1 huge and 1 big. Sounds like reality to me.

   I don't think Lance Armstrong's missing ball was ever real... I heard it and Manti Te'o's girlfriend were recently seen on vacation together in Mexico...

   TIP: If you try to make a smoothie for lunch........ Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

   Guy: I only pooped twice yesterday. Is there something wrong with me? Girl: I've already pooped twice this month. Is there something wrong with me?

   My wife & I split up over a family game of buckaroo.... I was left to pick up the pieces

   Michelle Obama's motorcade escorts injured in Ohio Crash- Yahoo News Headline... Yahoo Dude!! You really need to work hard- CNN.

   Just saw somebody in the third row pull out their flip phone at the State of the Union address. You know we are in trouble.

   I don't know much about the history of war, but Iwo Jima taught me one thing. those flags were really heavy back then.

   "I'm sick of beautiful people who don't have to work for their beauty, when I'm over here sweatin my balls off for all this beauty."

   If I were a waiter & someone was rude to me, I wouldn't touch their food. I'm an adult. I'd hide in the back seat of their car with a knife.

   In Maine,, I've decided we only need one weather man, and his job is to stand on camera shivering saying bundle up,,, that's it.

   Taylor Swift: Relationships Are Like Traffic Lights … Maybe I’ll Be Single Forever.

   just woke up, stepped outside took a deep breath, smiled, and waved at all the neighbors...then realized I'm ONLY wearing my pink slippers!

   Sure love doesn't cost a thing. Now hand over your soul.