Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You may not get what you want from me, but you'll never forget me.

   The owner of this bar is arguing with me that Mourinho is a better manager than Wenger. I just had to remind him that "the customer is always right Sir"

   My brain must think sleep= death... every time I try to fall asleep, my life flashes before my eyes. Well, the embarrassing bits, anyways.

   [sees a baby napping] get a job like the rest of us you lazy dwarf

   "Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time.

   Tiger had to withdraw because he couldn't activate his glutes. Hopefully he can still activate Lindsey's glutes.

   Ladies, if a man asks another "did you f**k her?" and he answers "A gentleman has no memory", that means "YES"

   Apparently, there's no need for a web-cam on Cyber Monday.

   Tasers, but for people who listen to Christmas music in October. Or talk before noon.

   Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft.

   There’s now a song called Saturday by Rebecca Black. The silly ho is slowly trying to ruin all of the days of the week.

   I was going to buy Christmas gifts from my lottery winnings, I was close I had one number, I guess you'll have to wait till next year!

   Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison

   I'm dreaming of a white christmas.. but not listen to bing crosby and then go out and and walk around singing to strangers white.

   nuke post is just a troll. quit buying in to it

   Not to brad but you'll probably see a special on A&E about me one day.

   I wont be alone on valentines day....I'll be spending it with 127.0.0.1

   Great day to be a canadian woodpecker with blue eyes and a 3inch beak

   Pick your toughest sucker players out.And put them in a ring with our worst nfl team, we'll still beat the S**t out of them

   Common sense says I shouldn't put it in there *puts it in there*